Bad Manners

Can you believe I used to publish a daily post?

Neither can I. (Never again!) But I felt like sharing this “extra” post today since I meant to publish it last Friday. I really hope your Monday is going well, and I want to thank you, as always, for reading!

Xo,

Dyane

I wrote Bad Manners the same day I waxed poetic about the happier topics of redwood baths and bulletproof coffee. If I had combined both sections it would’ve been a novella, so I held back. Plus, this post has an entirely  different tone and needs to stand alone.

It’s not a feel-good piece. The post is so whiny, if your laptop had a “smello-net” feature, this post would smell like Robert Mondavi’s winery!

Without further adieu, here’s the debut of a (very) occasional section called….

I Don’t Feel The Magic!

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Two events happened over the past few weeks that got my goat. *

know I shouldn’t have gotten defrosted about them. Much bigger calamities are afoot and many of us are struggling. I’m still upset about Ulla for all kinds of reasons. I guess the horrible loss made me more vulnerable to the b.s. that’s simply part of life.

I hesitated publishing this post in fear of turning some of you off, permanently, due to my whining and negativity, but I’m sharing it anyway because my gut says to do it. (Obviously I’ve watched far too many Scandal episodes!)

Most importantly, I value learning about what some of you do to rise above your own wicked, petty ways in response to bad manners. I hope you might share a juicy anecdote or two in the comments. (I’m still working on the rising-above part, so please bear with me! I’ll keep you posted…)

In the meantime, check out this meme’s heartfelt quote. I recommend you read it whilst listening to Snatam Kaur:

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That sounds good, but this is a double Pisces you’re dealing with! I’m a walking exposed nerve ending!!!

So here’s the latest…

Petty Thang #1 

“You Asked Me To Help You, I Did, and Now You’re Blowing Off My Emails – Whhhaaaat?”  images

This isn’t a complex situation. Before I get into the nitty gritty, I’d like to acknowledge I’m cognizant there could be extenuating circumstances why “Mechante” hasn’t replied to my emails. Illness. Crisis. Laziness. Who knows?

HOWEVER, according to Mechante’s Facebook activity over the past week, she seems to be doing fine ‘n dandy. (I spied on her Facebook page using Craig’s account; I’m still footloose and Facebook-free!) Yes, here is where I tell you my deep, dark secrets! 😉

Anyway, I doubt my emails went into Mechante’s spam folder because that never happened during our previous email communications. Her email is the same.

I wasn’t asking her to give me money or do anything major. I was simply offering her a unique opportunity, and all she had to do was write back “yes” or “no”. But I only heard the sound of silence.

After that, I was tempted to remove my 5-star Amazon review about her book, but I didn’t. This is progress, no?

Petty Thang #2  

“Now That You’re Famous-By-Association Means You Can’t Take Thirty Seconds To Thank Me?”

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This petty thang regards one of my best writing teachers.

The backstory: After I took her classes, she became involved with a super-famous writer who had many tête-à-têtes with Oprah. That’s all I’m writin’ here. 

A couple weeks ago I read in the paper about a cool event scheduled to happen three minutes from my front door. My teacher would be there! Even though I suffer with social anxiety, I knew I had to go. 

I was inspired to write her a letter, and wrote over three hours. (Yes, I used precious, kid-free time I should’ve spent editing my book.) 

I explained how she influenced me as a writer. I wrote how grateful I was for her feedback. I mentioned what happened to me after college graduation – how I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, endured the hospitalizations, the ECT, and so on. Lastly, I described my joy at landing a book deal.

I wasn’t asking her for anything. I didn’t need her famous partner’s help – I’m sure she gets hit up for his contacts all the time. 

I assembled a couple belated “thanks for being a great teacher” gifts (a soap  and a signed copy of Craig’s beautiful book), a Papyrus thank-you card, and my business card.

After I sealed up the goodies in a mailer package and wrote her name on it, etc. I drove to the venue. I made sure she got the package. I didn’t see her face-to-face, but I know without a doubt she got it. 

It has been over a month and I never received a reply. Not even a one-line email.

Um, whhhaaaaaaat?

Maybe since the return address didn’t have a celeb’s name on it, I wasn’t worth a simple thanks.

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(Yes, it’s crass, but the image made me laugh…)

I know, I know, it’s dumb. As my friend the magnificent writer Greg Archer would say, “Get over it!”

Blogging about such malarkey helps me, I kid you not. (I goat you not?)

p.s. I give you permission to bill me for bloggotherapy. Can we set up a monthly payment plan?


* I love the phrase “get my goat” – I need to use it more often!

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Lose It! Update – I’m A Proud Loser (40# since April, 2015!)

Writer extraordinaire Bradley (Insights of A Bipolar Bear) and I are persevering with our healthy eating & exercise routine. I won’t kid you – it’s tough! We use Lose It!’s website – at least it’s free! Remember, you can always join our Lose It! group: Wondrous Writers.

 

Dyane’s memoir Birth of a New Brain – Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder with a foreword by Dr. Carol Henshaw (co-author of The Modern Management of Perinatal Psychiatry) will be published by Post Hill Press in October, 2017.

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19 thoughts on “Bad Manners

  1. Dyane,
    I can assure you I would have reacted in exactly the same way. And I do not think I would have been as “ladylike” as you! These persons have bad manners, definitely, but I think when we feel hurt or angry about such behaviour, there is an element of rejection. I know I am now stepping on very sensitive, delicate ground, but I have a feeling hurt and anger often have to do with feeling rejected, with not being “good enough”.
    Having said that, good for you for letting it go. Holding onto something like that can become a maelstrom which can drag one into deep, cold, dark waters. A place we should avoid when we can. We go there too easily all on our own.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, even when it is not necessarily “uplifting”. We all need to complain and whine and bitch (not that you did, but I think I would have) occasionally.

  2. Know what? I’d feel the same. Today’s technology means there’s no excuse to take literally 30 seconds to send a, “Thanks for the kind message. All the best!” That’s all. And sure, we’d ideally want MORE than that, but the simple act of acknowledgement still COUNTS. I’ve learned that with teaching. I respond to every. single. email. 24 hours or less. It’s my rule. Even if they’re saying “Thanks for the help!” I’ll email “You’re welcome.” Why? Because they deserve to be acknowledged. Plus it’s proof that if they DON’T hear from me for a few days, they know something’s wrong with our connection. Everyone deserves to know they’re heard. Just because an answer may be “no,” or “Would you PLEASE just stop talking to me!” that’s still no excuse to ignore someone. Acknowledge, wish them well. It’s good manners. Hell, it’s good human-ness. 🙂

    And for the record, I was expecting WAY more whining (because that’s how I’d be :), so no worries–I’m not going any where, Your Royally Caffeinated Highness. xxxxxx

  3. Hopefully she responds. I read the comments from Kitt about boundary issues and maybe that’s the case. In any case, it’s rude not to at least give a quick thanks. It doesn’t take long and for something like that you’d think someone would try a little. I don’t know. Hope things with your book are coming along. Miss you on the blogosphere! Hugs XOXOXO!

    1. Thanks so much, darling Jess. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s so weird. She lives 15 minutes away from me (I used to live in her neighborhood) so theoretically I could show up at one of her future productions. And leave another package! Dyane the Stalker! Just kidding!!!! Maybe her (jealous?) famous boyfriend stole it! I guess I should feel sorry for her if she can’t even thank a pathetic nobody like me. I hate it when our role models let us down! 😱 Love ya, girl!!!! 💗

  4. I am ashamed to admit I have been rather lacking in the “thank you” department when it comes to letters. I always verbally let someone know but I think it is good manner for some correspondence. *sigh* something else for me to work on I suppose.

  5. The cookie monster meme made me laugh out loud. Also, I was pretty upset about Ulla too – I think she affected way more people than she ever imagined. 😦

    Your things aren’t petty, they’re SUPER ANNOYING. I would be annoyed too. You’ve got at least one random blog friend in your corner. 🙂

  6. Lady, I signed up yo Lose it today and joined your group; does that merit a small smile? Ok next, write them both letters you ain’t going to deliver but just dream it’s being delivered to them. Tell them whatever you want and even be generous to forgive them. Then I’ll follow that up by going for a walk and then drinking a hot chocolate after. Hot chocolates have helped me in such moments in the pass and I don’t put sugar so at least am less guilty for the chocolate. I wish I could mail you some from Abidjan. Don’t worry this too shall come to pass, thanks for letting us know why you are so not online at all this past season.
    Xoxo

    1. Love this comment! I saw you signed up on Lose It! and I’m SO SO SO proud of you!!!! Welcome!
      I’m smiling big, not small. I’ll help you get up to speed with logging your food and exercise this week, but let me tell you, my friend, it’s super-easy to figure out for someone like you: A LAWYER & AUTHOR!!!! You’ll be fine!

      I like your idea to write those letterrs, take a walk and enjoy some hot chocolate. With sugar, even! 😉 A little bit of sugar is okay….once in a while, ha ha! I wish you could mail me some delicious hot chocolate from Abidjan too!

      You know, I’ve said I’d return to Facebook and Twitter on October 1st, but I don’t think I”m ready yet for Facebook!!!!! Maybe Twitter. (I can’t remember if you like Twitter – I think you do, right?) I’ll let you know what I do, of course, and I’ll message you on Lose It!, you beautiful & accomplished lady!

    2. Hi, Dy & Marie. I decided I would piggyback on Marie’s excellent advice. And, add an example of my personal freakout which hurt Marie. You may recall that Marie generously offered to mail us her book(s) last year (or maybe the year before). I freaked out. My issue, not hers. Somehow I was not ready to accept a “real” gift. It was too close, too intimate. Not for her to do. Marie, you are loving and wonderful. But, for ME, for MY boundary issues which date back to my relationship with my parents, mostly my mom who was intrusive and emotionally abusive (and still can work her way under my skin). I have trouble receiving gifts. I have no idea if that applies..

      But, I do know that I can overwhelm others with my intensity (another point entirely). I either flee or swamp. Flee from advances, from intimacy. Swamp and overwhelm with my attention, as if I’m stalking, though that is not my intent. I’ve been told I’m too intense. That behavior of mine can scare others. I’ve even been blocked due to my zeal in following and commenting. Maybe that may apply. Who knows? Just two off the top of my head associations.

      1. I totally appreciated your candor here, Kitt. So much.
        Thank you for putting yourself out there – that’s one of the reasons I love your blog and your writing so much – you are always your authentic self at kittomalley.com. I was waiting for a comment like this!

        Your reasoning (i.e. I could’ve overwhelmed her, she may have boundary issues etc.) could most definitely apply. I don’t know…it’s a very real possibility my “TMI” letter, card & gifts overwhelmed her.

        You and one of my favorite authors SARK share some similar traits. She was told by some people she was “too much”. She became a bestselling author & artist with over 2 million books in print. She too was told she was “too intense”. If social media had been big back then, I’m sure she would’ve been blocked all over the place. I’ll never forget how wrote in her books written over 20 years ago how she was too much and too intense, and ever since then, I thought “too much” and “too intense” were *good* qualities, I kid you not. (I “Kitt” you not!) God, I’m terrible today! 😉

        Anyway, my Mom wrote I should make 100% sure that my teacher got my gift. In truth, there’s a tiny chance someone might have stolen it, but I highly doubt it. I began to email someone at the venue about it, but then I told myself to let it go. I deleted the email before pressing “send”. I have far more important things to focus on, as you know, and if I keep wrapping my head around this issue, it’s really an excuse at this point, you know what I mean? I reached out, and that’s that. In all honestly, I’d do it over again, but maybe I would’ve forced myself to hand it to her, social anxiety & general anxiety and all kinds of anxieties be damned!!!!!

        By the way, how was the So. Cal. writer’s conference?????
        Oh, I hope you write about it!

        One of the presenters at your conference was someone who was interested in Craig’s book & they talked contracts, but it didnt work out. I sampled another presenter’s book about book publiicity on my Kindle she’s Paula Marguiles and her book is “The Tao of Book Publicity” – I plan to check it out!

        Thanks again for your insightful, honest comment.
        Love you lots, you lovely & vivid rose. You’re just right to me.

      2. yes Kit I did feel some intense aloofness but I equally felt it wasn’t the ‘Kitt I know’ and there was a long story to that which I couldn’t lay my hands on. Above all, I knew I wasn’t going to let ‘your rejection of my gift’, make me think I should stop offering them to others or stop being your e-friend. I took the risk to talk it with you after a few days, and then let it to rest because I had already ‘generously’ ‘forgiven’ you…

      3. Kitt, I think it’s reciprocal because I recall pricking you later to ask for a book blurb and that was on a very sensitive topic and I felt I had near screwed up. But we waded that incident too and we’re still here in the block together hahaha 🙂

  7. Dyane,
    Regarding your lovely and gracious gift to your writer friend. I would in my usual OCD fashion make certain that she received it. Yes I would. And if she did then unless she is in a coma or out of the country I would delete her from my life completely. Absolutely no excuse whatsoever for not sending a thank you in any size, shape or form. RUDE!!! INEXCUSABLE!!

    1. I think that’s excellent advice, Mom. It’s not a big deal when people we don’t like let us down, but when it’s someone we admired…well, you get it.
      I’ll let you know a few more details, will text you later.
      Love you!

    1. Awwww, thanks, Debra! It honestly feels good to “spew” – I’ll try not to make it too many “once in a whiles” 😉 Take care & thanks again for your support & empathy. :)))

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