Worrying Too Much About Other People

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I wish I was the one who took this photo, but I was home bedridden with bipolar depression on this beautiful, sunny day.

 

When I first started writing this blog, I didn’t care that much about who read it and I wrote about all kinds of subjects. I was blogging for myself, first and foremost, and as selfish as that sounds, it felt really good to get my thoughts onto the screen. Hell, it felt good to be writing again after a loooong hiatus due to good, ‘ol bipolar depression! 

As time passed by, I started thinking more about what I was putting out into the world. I began censoring myself because I fretted about offending people. I didn’t write about my benzodiazepine addiction and (after I quit benzos) alcoholism for fear of getting reported to Child Protective Services (C.P.S.). They have a file with my name on it due to my 5150 history, so I’m not being paranoid when it comes to CPS. (My publisher Post Hill Press isn’t concerned with my blog as long I don’t write something egregiously slanderous about them!)

My self-conscious, paranoid self-censorship began sucking the soul out of my writing, and out of me. 

I didn’t want to be a stream-of-consciousness blog where I’d write about anything that crossed my mind, throwing caution to the wind. I wanted a balance of mixing my personal experience and thoughts with more general observations.

But (there’s always that damn “but”!) I kept suppressing myself here more than I wanted to. Today I’ve decided to be more myself in this blog and if someone doesn’t like it, there about twenty billion other blogs to read! 🙂

While there is one close family member who reads Birth of a New Brain, apart from her, I’m not aware of anyone I know IRL who reads it. I’ve tried hard to not write anything that would freak out my close family member. I’ll continue to make that effort, and respect her wishes for privacy.

I think letting loose a bit more here will be the healthiest thing I’ve done in a while.

My husband doesn’t read my blog, although I’ve invited him to do so a few times over the years! He’s just not into my blog or anyone else’s blog, which is good, ha ha – I have a slight jealousy problem. 

Plus, I’m one to talk – I haven’t even read all of his award-winning book Quest for Flight: John J. Montgomery and the Dawn of Aviation in the West yet and he’s not mad!

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(Nor have I attended any of his popular book signings. He’s very different than I am, thank God – he doesn’t hold a grudge against me about my passing on his book talks. I admit that I’d be pissed at him if the situation was reversed.)

Here’s what I’m at today:

My main problems are:

Anxiety/”the other shoe will drop” syndrome, blogged about here, fatigue (may be med side effect), raising two children, marriage (It’s NOT easy and anyone who tells you it’s easy is full of shit), compulsive overeating challenges, and last but not least, not being happy with my book draft, i.e. the writing quality. It’s sucking, but it’s not over until Oct. 1 when I submit the final draft!

My main problems used to be:

Feeling passively suicidal most of the time, feeling acutely suicidal some times, hating life, feeling hopeless, being bedridden, admitting myself to shitty psych hospitals  (7 visits total; I’m still paying for those bills!) 

I’ve come a long way, haven’t I?

But life remains hard and scary. It’s not a my My Little Pony world, let me tell you! My girls love this show so I hear those screeching ponies “sing” a lot.

My Little Pony could easily be redone as a horror movie complete with vampires, goblins and zombies! I bet someone will do it – you read it here first!

My psychiatrist thinks I’m doing well – he even used the “S” word (stable) to describe me during our last few visits. For many years I never thought anyone would call me stable again, so it’s nice to hear him say it.

I have good stuff going on, like these two girls who have seen the best and very worst of me, and they still love me:

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And this adorable Scottish Collie beast. She’s a two-in-one antidepressant/mood stabilizer and she doesn’t make me fat or tired!

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Miss Lucy

Now I’m going to go watch the rest of The Life of the Not So Secret Manic Depressive with Stephen Fry. I was finally able to watch it online for free by using Hola! It’s very good so far. Rachel’s story in particular (and noting  how she interacts with her mom/caregiver) has been a wake-up call. 

When all is said and done, blogging remains a joy, even when I write about the not-so-glossy aspects of life. And I’m going to be doing more of that! 

This afternoon I’m sending you my love, and my hope you have a good night!

Xo

Dyane

 

Dyane’s memoir Birth of a New Brain – Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder will be published by Post Hill Press in Fall, 2017.

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56 thoughts on “Worrying Too Much About Other People

  1. Loved reading this one. I have censored myself IRL for so long when it comes to struggling, its wearing and eventually defeating. It seems to feed on the silence. Looking forward to following your journey. Thanks for stopping by my page, glad to connect with others 🙂

    1. I’m so happy you liked my post, Aisling!! Honored for the follow – we can encourage one another to break free a little bit IRL as far as censoring ourselves. Baby steps! 🙂 take good care, Dyane

    1. This dog is truly amazing. We have the same birthday, which I took as a cool, positive omen…I wish you had your own sweet hound. Is there any chance you could bring one (or another type of pet) into your life? Blahpolar swears by her dog, as you know. And swears in front of her dog too, ha ha! Speaking of which, I haven’t seen her post lately. Have you been in touch? I need to drop her an email. I miss her!

      1. I am 100% an animal person. Its one of the losses I grieve along with my broken marriage – I had to leave my babies. But I’m not financially able to care for even a fish. I always thought, after the divorce, I would get a dog. What beautiful companions. But I just can’t afford it. And there’s many a tear shed over the fact. I have also been thinking of Blahpolar, missed her presence and wondered if she’s ok. I haven’t been in touch lately. I know she is adjusting to new meds so I didn’t want to disturb. I miss her too

  2. Lady, here it hits me again some jealousy pang: where the freak was I to miss this post? Ah we both in our parts of the globe go through daily wahala, although mine is surely nothing compared to facing life with such a diagnosis and the side effects of everyday meds. I know if there’s one person you know who loves you all the way from this corner of the world, that’s… So please trying to step it up especially after some of these melancholic life episodes. Cheering you all the way with Lucy, whoop whoop whoop 🙂

    1. I love you too, my FG (Fairy Godmother). I re-tweeted your latest post today (February 24th) did you see that???? I’ll comment there soon! Doing okay today, with Miss Lucy by my side, although I had really weird nightmares last night & I didn’t even take Seroquel, which is what usually does that. Why my brain messes with me, I don’t know.

      Do you have any godmotherly advice for avoiding nightmares????

  3. glad your gonna blog for yourself, and not worry about anyone else! way to go! lol about my little pony, had to laugh at that video you posted. our littles i have did love my little pony. pinkie pie and all that lol. and dogs are great, my nitro lab is amazing! ❤ xx

    1. Thanks so much for writing – I’m still worrying a bit.:0000 It’s so silly, but it’s true!

      I’m posting something on Friday that I think is funny, but I worry it will offend someone. I’m so sensitive that even one critical comment can throw me off, but your support (and another super-cool blogger. Vic of Just Plain Ol’ Vic) have helped me to remember to follow my heart! Speaking of following my heart, doesn’t that sound like a “My Little Pony” tune, ha ha? I’m so glad you got a kick out of that “My Little Pony” mention – and I’m happy you have a wonder lab to love! They are great dogs!!!!!

  4. I am so enjoying reading your blog! I feel so much like you do, it is striking. I have to say I am guilty of freaking people out with my own writings, so fair play to you for managing it better, LOL! I am learning a lot from you. I am very excited to read your upcoming book as well! I wish I had known you when I had my baby in 2012. I can’t wait to see what your book has to say. I am sure it will help a lot of people. Yay!

    1. Your comment made me so happy! It’s always a huge compliment to find out that ***anyone*** enjoys reading this blog, and to know that you’re one of those people is extra-special. Ever since I’ve had the good fortune to find your blog and connect with it immediately, I feel so fortunate. I read a lot of blogs, and get a lot out of them, but yours speaks to me extra-powerfully and I love it.

      It seems the coolest people I “know” (virtually) live half a world away from me. How I wish I could fly you and a half dozen other bloggers to come spend the summer here in Santa Cruz. That’s one reason I keep playing California SuperLotto Plus once in a while. 😉

      The book won’t be out until mid- 2017 but please stay in touch with me here and at Twitter. I’ll be reading and sharing your blog posts every time you publish them! :)))) Thanks again for making my day. XOXOXOXO

  5. Thanks for stopping by! I started blogging a year ago, and you know? I think I’ve made some progress when it comes to depression, but some days…oy. I’ll have to check out that Craig episode. Did I mention he did do a miniseries called THE ICE HOUSE? He’s pretty yummy there, too. 🙂
    Don’t fret over your writing yet. October’s a long way off! I keep distracting myself from my novel with other more piddly things. Fear of failure sucks. A. LOT.
    Though you thinking I was Diana Wynne Jones made my day. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    1. I had fun finally investigating Diana Wynne Jones!!!! It seems like you’ve blogged longer than a year – you’re such a seasoned & awesome writer, maybe that’s what is coming across? 🙂 I didn’t know about “The Ice House”, but now, of course, I must look that one up too.

      Thanks for the encouragement about October being a bit off – I hope time goes slower this year than it seemed to go last year!!! :

      1. I KNOW! I’m not teaching this term, so of course I’ve planned all these projects to accomplish….and oh, look, these pictures need dusting…I need to go back to making to-do lists so I always accomplish SOMEthing writing-related every day. Would that help you?

      2. It would, actually. I’ve been a major list maker!!!! I have one right now (actually, two) but the slips of ratty, torn paper need to be consolidated and updated. You’ve inspired me….hurrah!!!! and many thanks!

  6. I honestly think you are the sweetest person and I sincerely hope the anxiety and the depression/suicidal thoughts lift soon. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Craig. All I ever see is Lucy! (Jk…your family is awesome). Keep on keeping on Fryane. Things will get better as they always do. Just ride it and don’t pay it too much attention. You are loved and I want to hear more raw and honest blog posts from you. Let it out! I’m here listening.

    1. Craig *hates* having his picture taken – it’s rare for me to get a chance to ever take one of him, and the picture posted here was taken by his cousin. As for Lucy, I’m sure you’ve guessed that she tolerates me and my camera phone, that sweet, photogenic hound!

      I’m doing a little better today and the fact that I can feel spring on its way is helping.
      Thanks for being there for me – it helps me to know you’re out there, writing and being your extraordinary, super-cool self!!!
      XOXOXOXOXO *you*!
      Fryane

    1. Me too, and I love how you wrote it without the “a” and the “b”! 😉 I’m not even going to write that word today since I’m superstitious……….
      thanks so much, Charlotte! Wishing you a wonderful day! Dyane

  7. Hey girl, sounds like you’re having a tough time, sending you hugs. I have to watch what I write as well, as I started automatically posting to FB so I would get readers and now a lot of my friends and family read my blog. Good and bad. Good because people read what I write, bad because I have no anonymity anymore and have to watch what I say. Too bad, sometimes, I would like to just write whatever the hell I want to write, any issues, but I can’t. Maybe we should start another blog, an anonymous one. Love and hugs to you and your adorable girls and Miss Lucy.

    1. Hey beautiful! Yeah, things have been rocky but today seems lighter, somehow. I think it’s spring because I feel better around this time of year, and Craig & I both celebrate our birthdays in March and guess who else? My dog Lucy!!!!!! She and I have the *same* birthday on March 18th which thrills me to pieces! She will be 2 and I will be 26, I mean 46! ha ha ha ha! 46 *is* the new 26!

      Last year I started an anonymous blog but I didn’t post once in it! I already feel like I’m cheating on my book draft by writing here at this blog, as silly as that sounds. The guilty side of me says that I should be directing all my writing time to completing the memoir to make my publisher’s deadline, but blogging is so cathartic and I love the support I get. I know you understand.

      WordPress makes it so easy to create a blog, doesn’t it? It takes just a minute to start a new blog – it’s truly amazing. Anyway, BIG BIG BIG congrats on your son’s graduation from law school (!!!!!) – that’s major cause for celebration!

      Thanks for your support as always – you are a delight! You’re beautiful inside and out, and your
      Healthline “Best Bipolar Blogs of 2015” award-winning blog reflects that!!
      XOXOXOXOXO
      Your devoted Dy

      1. Hello Lovely! So happy you feel a bit better. The bipolar roller coaster, step right up and take a ride. Ugh! So sweet that Lucy and you share a birthday, she looks like one sweet pupster! I want to get a dog so badly, but my almost 21 year old cat would be a little annoyed. Yes, I like 26 for you and 30ish for me hahaha.
        Thank you so much for your lovely words about my son. He will be graduating in May, but we got his pictures on Sat. so I posted them. We’re having a party in Buffalo at a French restaurant.
        Your blog and your writing a book are both an inspiration to me. Keep going. Don’t let anything stop you, you are an extremely talented writer!
        Love and hugs as always 💞💞💞

  8. I think it’s awesome we have a safe place where we can just write and come out of the shell that shelters us during more depressive times and releases tensions during our more manic times. It’s so therapeutic. I know for me, being honest and candid in my writing makes me feel true to myself, which helps with my disorder (though it’s cause a few behind-the-scenes problems). Still self-censorship is a slippery slope.

    1. I couldn’t put it any better, SuperMommyofTwins! I wish I was able to blog a long time ago when I was depressed during all those years. There were a few false starts, but I was too down to do it regularly. That’s how it goes, though, as all of us know. I’m looking forward to more self-revelation that hopefully doesn’t cause too many behind-the-scenes problems!!!!

      (Pray for me on ***that*** one! 😉 (please….?? :)))))
      XOXOXOX

  9. Write it up! You have a story to tell and we are here to engage. It is bloody scary though, but everything you write is true. Shake it up! Your blog is already awesome so looking forward to more!! BTW you have beautiful kids mumma xx

    1. Thanks so much, BecomeMum! Your words fired me up, seriously!
      Mega-thanks for the compliments about my girls too. Off for more coffee – you know how important *that* is. Wishing you a great day as always!! XOXOXO Dy

  10. Dyane, I continually think of you as SO brave, and one of these days, I know I will follow suit. And you will have been one of three bloggers who have been my inspirations. I am forever thankful for you.

    1. Wow – this is huge praise, Susan!!!!
      My intuition tells me that you are incredibly brave, much more than I am!!!!
      Thanks from the very bottom of my 💖 for the honor of being an inspiration to you!
      I hope those birds outside your window are singing beautifully as Spring arrives! 🐦🌸🌈

    1. Thanks Kitt!
      I didn’t know the exact definition of neurotypical, and I was inspired to find out. Dictionary.com says:

      Adjective 1. “relating to or showing typical neurological behavior and development:
      She has one dyslexic and one neurotypical child.”

      Next time I see my psychiatrist I could open with casually remarking,
      “Oh yes, things have been neurotypical lately, thank goodness!” and watch his expression.

      Anyway, yes, I’ll keep on keeping on.
      Which reminds me of this Brady Bunch song – I know it’s cruel to post it here, but I can’t help it! 😉 XOXOOXOX

  11. I absolutely think you should be able to “let loose” and blog about whatever you damn well please!

    Heck…I’d stick around to see that wild ride! 😉

    1. Thanks my sweet 🚐! I wish that the Fry documentary producers followed up with everyone in the first show, but I’m sure they had their reasons. That’s so cool that your daughter told you about “The Not So Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”!

      I also loved reading your words “There are lots of us who will read your story.” – simply reading that part made me feel so good and hopeful! Just a few words infused with vanbytheriver good juju have such power! Big hugs to you for writing that (and writing the rest of the comment) and for all of your encouragement you’ve given me as well as the emoji 💖& advice! You know how much I love these little symbols and you helped me make my emoji dream come true. 🌈

  12. You are just so brave, Honey Pot. Loving and compassionate, and HONEST. You can ease up on yourself and use this space to write the things you need to write. Critics are of no concern. This is YOURS.

    Your life is HUGE, also. Given all you manage, I don’t think I would fare nearly so well!

    ¡Salud!

  13. Loved this post Dyane!!! As always you inspire me with your honesty, energy and courage. Worrying about offending is something I struggle with too and it’s awesome that you are able to overcome fears of what people think. In fact part of me is trying to think up something potentially offensive to write. Writers shouldn’t be safe, and having the courage to take risks is part of why writing is so awesome. 😀

    1. Although I love to be safe, I think you’re absolutely right when it comes to the significance of writing and taking risks. I’d rather read something edgy that will stick onto one of my synapses, than read something snooze-worthy & utterly forgettable. I’d would LOVE to read something new of yours that’s potentially offensive! Remember you did that before???? I do! 😉

      Sending you my love – Lisa, I’ve written it before, but I’ll write it again: I’m so grateful to you for being in my life both here and elsewhere in social media land.

  14. Your girls are beautiful! And I’m so happy to read youre gonna let your hair down a bit on your blog. I love to read what you write. I was dx with postpartum depression and BP1 simultaneously, so I can relate a little. (Though all I wanted to do was read, word huh?) Miss Lucy is adorable as well! Lots of love to you D!

    1. Aww, thanks Sassy!

      I should’ve mentioned that part of letting my hair down here at ye olde blog is that I love to curse like a….stay-at-home mom who suffers frequent road rage! ( Which is way more fierce than how a pirate curses, I think.) I tell my girls to do the opposite of what mommy does when it comes to what I say in our Suburu. I’ve tried to cut down, but it’s very hard. I might need a car muzzle. Lucy is usually better behaved than me in the car, although she has a, um, slight barking problem.

      I’m glad you can relate a bit, by the way, although of course I wish you couldn’t relate to any of it – no mom should go through this crap, eh? (That’s interesting that reading was all you wanted to do! :000)

      Anyway, I’ve been commanded to leave my laptop and go serve cereal to Avi and Rilla. I don’t even get a tip.:( The nerve of these girls!!!!!

      Sending you tons of love and hope that you do something extra-good for yourself today! XOXOXO

      1. Oh i know that kind of cursing… Only I do it all the time.. Oops. Yes, cutting down is like trying to cut out coffee… Painful!
        No, no mom should ever have to go through that. We can’t even enjoy our new babies or our other children. Damn brains and chemical imbalances…
        The nerve of those non-tippers! Wanting all of this and not even a little something for your trouble! 😊😊
        I don’t have a thing planned today. That’s my treat! 😁😁😁 Enjoy your day Dyane!

    1. You made me smile! I’ll do my best to bring it, but it’s a big comfort to know you’ll still love me even if I just ramble here! 😉 Which I probably will do!!!! XoXoXo Sending you huge hugs from the other side of the world.

  15. Oh boy! Can’t wait for you to let loose. I already enjoy you and your writing so much. Sounds like you’ve come a long way to me. I know those main problems well. Please Keep writing, it helps me feel less alone.

    1. Thanks *so* much for this comment, bipolarfanatic – your words made me feel more empowered to write freely, woo hoo! I shall let my freak flag fly and give you partial credit for that. 😉 Xo Hope you have a great day!!!

  16. it’s good to be real, isn’t it? We’re Bipolar, we have struggles with mood and functioning. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. I love every part of you AND your blog, my friend!!

    1. You’ve been there for me for so long – as I keep telling you, move *here*! We have sunshine!!!!! 😉 It’s good to be real, and it’s good to be loved by someone like YOU! 😉 Doesn’t that sound like a 70’s song???? Hmmm….
      (I actually like J.T. – his “Flag” album changed my life.)

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