“Mommy, It’s Her Loss!”

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Well, my friends, it has happened again.

After a six-month-long Facebook hiatus, I returned to it to promote the HuffPost Women article. In order to reply to the comments, Huffington Post requires that people use Facebook. I’ve been on Facebook for less than a month.

Yesterday I got unfriended by someone I trusted. I was hesitant to blog about it, but I’m not revealing her identity.

Most significantly, one of my wonderful followers once stated, “This blog is your living room. Your space!” Damn straight, and I’m going to hang out in my living room today and lick my wounds, for I feel…..wounded.

Yet I won’t play the innocent. I made a business decision that I knew might upset this person, but at the end of the day, I had a solid rationale for what I did. I stand by it. I definitely wasn’t trying to be hurtful or sadistic. 

In no way did I expect her reaction to be over-the-top and even cruel. When I noticed she unfriended me, a line in my heart had been crossed.

Because of her unfriending, I never want any contact with her again.I blocked her on all social media. I felt safer after doing that, but it totally sucked.

Ahhhh, the beauty of Facebook.

“Friendships” can end in 10 seconds, no fuss, no muss.

Ugh.

At one point during our several-year-long virtual correspondence, she reached out to me the way a real friend does. Repeatedly.

I tried to help her. I tried to be a good friend in other ways too. Our hot & cold dynamic eventually confused the hell out of me.  

Before yesterday’s unfriending, when I informed this person I had been through some awful events quite recently, I was told she “didn’t have enough bandwidth” for me, essentially.

Yet I was there for her when she messaged me and said she was struggling.

Fuck it. And I doubt she’s reading this, because she never was interested in my blog, but if I’m wrong about that, here’s my message to her:

Stay.

Away.

From.

Me. 

I will never name her publicly, but this is my space. My blog.

My place to share my pain.

As my eight-year-old daughter saw me cry over this situation yesterday, she hugged me and said “Mommy, it’s her loss.”

And you know what?

My girl’s right.

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Dyane’s memoir Birth of a New Brain – Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder will be published by Post Hill Press in Fall, 2017.

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89 thoughts on ““Mommy, It’s Her Loss!”

  1. Your daughter’s one wise sage. If a friend is incapable of seeing a situation past her own interests, then…well. Not a friend one needs to fight for.
    Fight for the awesome relationships truly worth keeping instead.

  2. Right after my big reveal about my PPD/drug abuse/rehab on Facebook to raise awareness? My FATHER-IN-LAW not only unfriends me on Facebook, he BLOCK me. That cut me to the quick. I can get over the fact if it only had to do with me, but because he doesn’t see me anymore on the Internet, he won’t see his grandkids. It’s his own fault, too, because he never comes around… the self-righteous prick.

    Anyway! Thanks for liking some of my recent writings and I totally empathize with you.

    1. Your father-in-law is losing out BIG-time, my dear!!! Jeez – I’m so sorry. That’s beyond messed-up. My heart goes out to you. I’m currently estranged from several close family members because they have been giant assholes in terms of my suffering with bipolar. (They don’t even know about the alcoholism and benzo addiction!) Sending you (((big hug))) and you are most welcome – as my blogging buddy Blahpolar says, “strongs”

      1. Your life seems to almost mimic mine: PPD-was super surprised when the psychiatrist suggested I had bipolar because of the PPD when I went to rehab because of the alcohol and benzo abuse.

  3. Better late than never. I started commenting & realized it was worth exploring further…and I’m still not done. I appreciate you sharing this story, thought I’m sorry you were hurt. Stories like yours are important, and I hope people will be encouraged to be more mindful about their social media interactions. I try to think of it this way: if it would hurt someone in person, then it’s likely that it will do the same on social media. If someone I don’t know doesn’t speak to me at a large gathering, it probably won’t phase me, but if someone I consider a friend sees me and runs in the other direction, of course it would hurt. Here’s the link to my post. I think you’ll enjoy Tara’s story.
    https://griefhappens.wordpress.com/2016/02/16/facebook-unfriending-havoc-created-part-1/

    1. I’m thrilled you wrote about this – so thrilled that I reblogged it! I’m sure I’ll appreciate Tara’s story! Thank you so much for sharing it. XoXo

      1. I’m thrilled I was able to share it. I blasted it out fast and didn’t have time to condense it, but even reading back over it, I’m not sure where I’d cut. Oh well, concision isn’t my strongest suit. Lots of love to you, Dy. You’re one special lady!

      2. God, it’s brilliant. Just wrote a long comment (of course!) and need to go change my intro. to add even more how SUPER-ULTRA-amazing a writer you are than I already noted, & mention your other blog. XOXOX

  4. Yes, it is her loss. We often do not know the whole story. I’ve cut way back on who I follow and read, for I find it overwhelming. Not sure this former friend’s reasons, but I can see how her response hurt you. So sorry.

    1. The former friend had a right to be mildly hurt. I admit it. If I put in further details it would have given away her identity in a heartbeat. She never reads this blog, nor followed me on social media unless I tagged her. As we have MANY mutual social media friends, I wanted to play it safe. I am concerned she will slander me to our mutual contacts, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. Sigh. I know I made the right decision….but it still sucks.

      I understand why you must cut back on following and reading blogs; I’ve done the same thing, although I’m not dealing with the enormous stress that you’re handling! Sending you my love and a big hug.

      1. Loss of friendships are hard. Social media makes such losses more abrupt and immediate. Although offline a friend or acquaintance may say or do something that hurts deeply. Focus on those who love and support you. Don’t give others your energy.

  5. I can relate. I’ve also recently lost a friendship, not via Facebook, just stuff that happened and I believe this way and she believes that way. She’s not a follower on my blog, but she’s aware of the site and reads every now and then. I told her not to read my blog. Because its my sanctuary

    1. Thanks so much for this comment – sorry to be late! I’m really sorry about your losing a friendship too. I think that’s really good & healthy you told her not to read the blog. It’s best for her, too! I completely agree with you that these blogs are our sanctuaries!!! I just wish I could block the latest troll who stopped by and pooped her vindictive anti-psychiatry blabbering in my virtual oasis. WordPress needs to invent that feature! Thanks again – your comment & empathy made me feel good. :))))))

      1. You are virtual healing, my bloggy friend! Hope you check out the new post I reblogged written by Grief Happens about her friend and a group unfriending – I found it to be fascinating and I also thanked the heavens that I wasn’t “Tara”!!!!!!

  6. I may need to increase my dosage of ‘Seroquel’ It’s a total mongrel of a day when people seem to be so ambivalent about who they hurt. I’m a writer, and words are powerful and damaging things. It’s easy to say ‘Shrug it Off.” Yet dealing with what this type of shit does to our fragile self-esteem is not so easily forgotten, or forgiven.You are raising a wonderful little girl with a very wise soul. In my book, honey, that makes you a very special person, and one I’d be proud to call friend.

    1. Hi there Suzanna!

      Seroquel is so powerful – I’m amazed by its strength in tiny amounts!

      By the way, sorry for my late reply, please forgive me! I loved reading your comment.

      This is a post where I basically want everyone to agree with me, LOL! I gladly accept comments such as “You did the right thing.” “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!” etc. You know what I mean.

      You hit the nail on the head with “Words are powerful and damaging things”. Are they ever! I’ll never look at the word “bandwidth” the same way again.. Thank God she didn’t use the word “chocolate” at me in a disparaging way!

      What’s weird is that last night I watched the beginning of Stephen Fry’s documentary “The Not So Secret Life of the Manic Depressive” on BBC. I got an error message that said “You don’t have enough bandwidth” and the thing shut down. I was bummed because I wanted to watch it and I spent lot of time figuring out which program to run so that I could, since the BBC won’t play in the U.S. (stupid!)

      So when I saw that error message,I muttered “What the hell???” and some other colorful words. I never see that word anywhere and then I had it used at me last Wednesday and then last night – was it a sign? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I DO have bandwidth for kind people.

      I no longer have enough bandwidth for toxic “friends”, i.e. women who use me, women who are damaged souls (and that breaks my heart, but it explains a helluva lot) and women don’t give a shit about hurting me and “getting me back” by unfriending me on Freakbook because all that matters are their egos. 😦 Ugh. Yuck. Ughyuck.

      She’s gone and I’m moving on!

      You might want to check out the new post – it’s a reblog by my talented friend who brings up another unfriending situation that is worse than mine. Reading it put things into perspective!
      Thanks again for boosting my weary spirits! I hope that *you* are doing well!!!!
      XOXO
      Dyane

      1. Honey, I learned so many things when I lived on the streets from age 11. I was damaged, bruised, but I have NEVER been broken. Something inside me refuses to just lay down and die. I lost too many dear friends to suicide to ever forget that life is tough, and when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I have written about that life, I have shared my words with so many lovely folks that cared enough to read them. I have learned that despite the ugliness of some human beings I am worthy of being here, on this planet, in this place, at this time. I have an expression that I use to help my journey every day…It was something one of my dear friends used to say about me. “You know something, Sassy? You always let tomorrow know you’re coming!” He took his own life in September 2015 But…that expression didn’t die with him. That was his gift to me. It’s a gift that I treasure each and every day. Take hold of today, honey. Treasure all the hours between sunrise to sunrise, and prepare to let tomorrow know you’re coming. You can do it.

      2. I love your energy and your message – thank you so much! The fact that you’ve been through such hell yet developed this attitude is incredibly inspiring. Many, many thanks, Suzanna!

  7. I have had to close my Facebook account several times. I think I can handle it then someone makes a remark or I’m unfriended after I post something. I thought I could use Facebook to raise awareness about Mental Health. When I tried people I had been close to for years blocked me. My own family did too. My Aunt did once she saw a post that just had factual information. I’ve also been sent anonymous stuff about being “crazy”. There was a picture of dirty half naked people on an island and underneath it said “Mentally Ill people should be put on an island and sterilized instead of living off our tax dollars.” I was so hurt by this I cried for days. I’ve always wanted children but it isn’t an option for me now. For someone to send that to me was devastating. Keep doing what you are doing. I have found inspiration and comfort in your writing.

    1. Hi there – please accept my apologies for taking forever to reply, darie73!

      I’m deeply sorry you’ve been treated so horribly in those ways you described above – my jaw just about dropped to the floor. I couldn’t believe my eyes about what some of your own family members have done.

      I know you’re a wonderful, warm and caring person. You’ve wanted to help others by raising awareness about Mental Health on Facebook, which I consider to be an incredible achievement and more noble than most things that are done on this planet. How dare those truly sick people bully you by sending you anonymous hate material! They sound miserable with too much time on their hands, and you know what? They most likely have undiagnosed/untreated mental illness and they need help desperately. And they harbor stigma – inwardly and outwardly. 😦

      Anyway, please take good care of yourself. Remember that kind, intelligent people get blocked on all forms of social media and it’s not your fault. You’ve been wise to take breaks from Facebook. I’m still on the fence about it….I can deactivate it again and see how it feels.

      Bless you for what you wrote about my writing too – that completely made my day!
      Sending you big hugs and don’t let the turkeys get you down! (Silly saying, isn’t it? Turkeys are far nicer than those meanies who harassed you!)

      How about “Don’t let the poisonous snakes get you down” or something like that! 😉

      XOXOXOXXOXOXOX
      Dyane

  8. Wow. I have a lot to say about this. I’ve had a similar but somewhat different experience that I want to share. I’m so sorry you were hurt. It sucks. I’m on my phone waiting for my car & my children are a bit wound up from their school Valentines celebration, so I’ll have to come back later. Just know that while hurtful, the unfriending is more about them than you. You are worthy and loved. xoxo

    1. I’m so freaking sorry you’ve had an experience like this….I would give away my prized chocolate bar to hear about it when you have time, but take your time because I *know* you have a full plate. I’m just being greedy as I love your comments…

      Speaking of chocolate, my kids are sugared-up too. I’m impressed you were able to leave any comment with them in tow, and grateful too!

      So yeah…I’m so sick of this creepy sh*t. I know I’ve blogged about Facebook unfriending before, but the other unfriendings were with two people I had no truly personal connection with. This situation was markedly different. This was a person who reached out to me for encouragement when she was deeply depressed. I took the time to respond….to care. (I know I wrote about it already, forgive me!) To me that seems to be one major reason not unfriend someone.

      I knew that chances were strong that my “business decision”with her wasn’t going to go over well; I knew it,although I also thought there was a chance she would have been absolutely fine with it and understood my reasons. Her ego & insecurity got in the way of how she responded. I took well over an hour to craft the email I sent to her explaining my decision. After I sent it to her she literally replied within 2 minutes of reading it.

      She had a choice of ways that she could have reacted, and she chose the worst way.

      What super-sucks is that there could’ve been such a better outcome. People are telling me that it’s not my fault that everything went up in flames, but nevertheless I feel bad, I feel guilty.

      She wrote that I “hurt” her, that I “offended” her. “Hurt” and “offend” have such weight to me, a Jewish-born girl who is ultra-sensitive and neurotic when it comes to any type of guilt.

      So, before this becomes a blog post instead of a reply (I guess it already has morphed into a post – ahhhh!) I’lll let you go!!!!

      But I would LOVE LOVE LOVE your thoughts and I send you a huge hug because you’ve been kinder and more supportive to me than most people on this planet. And that’s the truth! Xo

      1. It’s funny you said that about a blog post. I’m actually thinking I might have to write a post in response to this in order to explain it well. Or maybe I’ll
        Come back & post here. I know you’re ok with lengthy comments. 🙂

  9. Oh, Honey Pot, I’m sorry. I’d like to smack that woman upside the head. You don’t need that kind of ego/drama/bullshit. I know it hurts, but as my Mom always said, “Consider the source!”

    You’re awesome and you’re loved and your little one is wise beyond her years! ((((Big Hugs)))

    1. Thanks a trillion, my wise friend. Comments such as yours soothe me, they validate my sadness/anger and all the yucky stuff I’ve been feeling.

      Two days post-unfriending, I’m still upset. At least i know it will get better day by day like any other “soul injury”. However, how I wish I could flush my brain like it was a toilet when it comes to this scenario!

      I guess what makes it extra-tough was that I once looked up to this source so much. I really admired her and ignored the red flags… and that was the beginning of my downfall.

      At least we don’t live in the same town, but with the internet and the fact we have mutual friends etc., I worry about this haunting me down the line. Hopefully if she decides to talk smack about me, others will perceive that it takes two to tango.

      Oh well. I can’t control the Universe. Right? 😉 XoXoXoXo and huge hugs back to you!!!!! I’ll let Rilla know your sweet compliment too!
      The one…the only… Honey Pot

      1. No, Honey Pot, you can’t control the Universe. But what you CAN control is the power this woman has to hurt you. Don’t give her that power. Take away what she has had in the past.

        It’s so very human and hopeful to ignore “the red flags.” We all do it.

        And if she does try to defame you, yes—rise above it. Don’t become embroiled. To anyone who asks, chalk it up simply to “professional differences.”

        Healing from this wound will take time. I’ve never been able to bury things and move on. Unresolved trouble always surfaces. Better to confront every emotion you’re feeling: anger, betrayal, disappointment, all of it. When you are ready, quietly let each injury go. The Fire Ceremony works wonders: Write each grievance on a tiny piece of paper, say a prayer of release, then set the papers aflame. Sprinkle the ashes around something green and growing.

        Ever with love,

        Merry

      1. That’s why I always I have a blast searching for cool images (inc. quotes) when writing a blog! I never know what I’ll find….thanks for appreciating it and for your lovely support/empathy/much-appreciated prayers! :)))

    1. Now, if you saw her during the “getting ready for school rush” she morphs into….well, what’s that saying? If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say it at all! 😉 XOXO

  10. It sounds like a good riddance story. I hate FaceBook. I always get rat about when someone slights me. Virtual world = WORLD. People need to get that these relationships are just as real as the face to face ones. My heart is with you. x

    1. I loved your comment – thank you so much….the visual of “Virtual world = WORLD” really moved me. That is so true, isn’t it?

      If this former friend and I had a face-to-face it wouldn’t have gone down that way. We might have worked things out; she even suggested a possible compromise at one point, but then flipped out didn’t want to do it.

      In retrospect, and to be more respectful, I guess, I should have called her – that’s my bad! But honestly, it still would’ve been ugly no matter what! 😦 Thanks again for your kind, insightful words. Comments like yours truly help me. (I don’t like the mean ones, LOL. I just delete ’em. KIDDING! I haven’t gotten one….yet.) Xo

      1. Oh, I’m glad. I find that my husband always says ‘don’t worry it is just online’ but it feels so real. I think when you put your true self on the interweb that it is you. Real you, real relationships, real break ups. I mean kids suicide over online bullying. This is real stuff. The hurt is real. I have respect for you standing up to them, for whatever reason you must have seen it is a fit response. I think the equivalent in face-to-face would have been walking away. Take care Dyane x

    1. Lucy agreed with Marilla, of course. That dog should have her own office….with a really fancy loveseat for her clients, and a beanbag for herself. (It’s her favorite way to sit.)

    1. Thanks my sweet Seroquelian-sister! I don’t think it was a mistake; I double & triple checked. Oh well. Even if she didn’t unfriend me, she treated me in such a bizarre, egocentric way and she didn’t give a damn that something bad happened to me. That, to me, is the worst part of the whole thing. 😦 At least (and this is huge) there are bright lights like you to offset the b.s. Thank God!!!!

      1. Love you girl, always here and I know you’re here for me. That is a wonderful thing called friendship and some people don’t understand it. Woe be to them. 💞💞💞💞💞💞

  11. Lady, whine, vent and vile it out and then gradually but firmly and decidedly replace all those emotions with the opposite all ending with 😍 whoop whoop whoop to you little Wise 👩, now you guess what Luck will tell this… If she met her…

  12. I hate to say it, but…a lot of us in this end of the blogosphere are mentally unstable. Literally! Not an insult, just a truth. So it’s also a sad truth that people can be there one day, gone another. I’ve had someone who I thought was really sweet flip out on me when I disagreed with her on something. We’re not all whole. So sometimes we’re more apt to get hurt. I’m sorry, DyDy. I’m not saying it’s in any way your fault. It just comes with the territory. You have such an open heart. I’m sorry it got stepped on. HUGS!! Oh, and don’t read this to Rilla: FUCK HER!!!

    1. Girl, you are ON IT! I know you are totally right. While my former friend wasn’t a blogger, she possibly has some brain stuff going on. Big stuff, I suspect.

      You made me laugh ***hard*** with your comment with the “Oh, and don’t read this to Rilla: FUCK HER!!!” I’m still giggling.

      I’m sorry that you had someone flip out on you – we all go through it, I know….it just sucks when it happens. A psychic flu, ya know?

      I adore you and while I’m thinking of it, I’m going to look at some posts of yours that I actually missed reading! You know that’s rare!!!!! I usually never, EVER miss a Fire post!!!!!
      LOVE YOU!!!!
      p.s. How’s that water drinking’ going????

      1. heeee heeeee heeeee! “Free the Pee” (Got that phrase from a scene in a cool movie: “Bridge to Terabithia”. You probably heard of it since it’s based on the famous children’s book. I love that film!)

      1. Dude, I’m the most mentally unstable of them all….in between the stable moments! 😉 The most stable person I know is my dog Lucy!!!! (She’s a human with fur!)

    2. God, you are too funny. What will it take to get you to move to Santa Cruz, Bipolar On Fire????????? We can open a free mental health resource center called “Fuck It!”””

    1. Thanks so much, Jess – your comment made me feel SO good & appreciated for who I am! Your tweet did the same thing. These seemingly “little” gestures are not little; they take time, intention, compassion and kindness. ❤️

    1. Thanks heaps, Tessa – I read your comment to Rilla and it made her smile and feel good. That seriously rocked; I wish you saw her cute face when that happened. Thanks for your wonderful encouragement!! XOXOX

    1. I read this comment to Rilla, Van, & she ate it up! I think it was you who wrote that about our blogs being living rooms. Was it? If so I want to give ya credit and link to your blog….down by the river! 😉

      You can come and speak to me, motivationally of course, any time you want. You have an open invitation! And we can stroll down to the San Lorenzo River just across the highway! (as long as it’s not rainy season, eh?)

      💖💗👍🚐

      1. No, it wasn’t me, sadly. I remember reading that one too, about the living rooms, wish I could remember where ???
        Anywho…take care of yourself & don’t sweat the unfriending. Sometimes, they just do us a favor by stepping away. Been there. 💖

      2. If either of us remember, we must share! 🙂 Thanks again for your kind support. I’m not thinking about the unfriending so much today, and I know that each day the icky “I’ve been slimed” feeling will melt a little bit…it just doesn’t happen quite as fast as I’d like! Take care and big hugs to you, have a great weekend, my dear Van!🚐

  13. These online relationships are such strange creatures, aren’t they? A friendship on FB can end in a few seconds, but it can still hurt our hearts, and I sense your hurt. Many (virtual) hugs and many (real) prayers for you, Dyane. BTW, I like that Lecrae quote. It’s so true!

    1. Thanks, dear Laura. I spoke about it with my psychiatrist a bit today, as he almost became a psychotherapist instead. I can’t tell you how much your prayers mean to me. They truly are a balm. I’m not just hurt, but furious, which I hate about myself. A WIP I shall always be, yes? And I love that quote too – I just found it. Off to pick up that wise 8-year-old from school…..

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