Name that banshee!
It’s pretty quiet in these parts, and I’m overjoyed to tell you there are no rodent adventures to report. I haven’t spotted any errant hamsters in the middle of the night, nor have rats taken up residence in my new Schwinn elliptical…yet.
The past week has been Spring Break for my daughters, which means I lost the luxury of quiet chunks of writing time. So I did my best to pretend that I was one of my favorite authors, Madeleine L’Engle. (Ha! I wish I had .01% of her talent, but that’s a subject for another post.)
Yep, here we are in 1997 – Madeleine L’Engle, me and my double chins!
No, what I mean by pretending to be Madeleine L’Engle is that during her many interviews she remarked that she could write almost anywhere, with any distractions. As a child L’Engle was sent to boarding school in Switzerland where she barely had any privacy, even in the bathroom (!). She learned to ignore distractions while writing in her journals, and she further strengthened her concentration skills as a Broadway actress. L’Engle wrote prolifically backstage, on trains, in hotel lobbies…you name it!
To write, I need quiet or mellow background music. I recently started listening to classical guitar and like it very much. I also tune into the Snatam Kaur channel on Pandora, but that’s risky as that style of music has the potential to put me to sleep.
I’m also lucky that Lucy the Writing Muse often sits next to me and places her warm, furry flank on my right foot – it’s the sweetest thing. However, sometimes Lucy is viciously flatulent, but that’s the only downside to her company.
We live in a very small house so when my girls are here, I can barely think straight. They are lively. Yes, I have some old, crappy headphones. I don’t like wearing them when the kids are around when an argument breaks out or God forbid someone gets hurt.
Right this moment I’m trying my best to drown out “The Littlest Pet Shop” television show that’s blaring ten feet away. The uber-peppy, high-pitched theme song will surely haunt me the rest of the day.
I’ve managed to write more of my book “Birth of a Brain” each day despite the distractions. It’s trippy and difficult work, as I’m chronicling a few of my hospitalizations and that includes some suicide-related material. I’m not going into a ton of gory details – there are plenty of books that have done that already. Those books definitely have their place, and I commend any author who re-visits her darkest experiences and writes about it. I just am not drawn to writing that kind of book.
The advantage to sifting through my thick folders of hospital records, doctor reports, medication notes, etc. is that I’m reminded of how fortunate I am to have “made it”. I don’t mean to sound smug – I can’t say with absolute certainty that I won’t ever relapse again and darken a unit door. Despite my working my ass off at clean livin’, the fact remains there’s no cure yet. I can work as hard as I can, but fate and my brain might have other plans in store for me.
After hours of reflection during this Spring Break, I still can’t believe that I was never taken outdoors by hospital staff even for a few minutes – yes, that was my experience. After my last hospitalization, a year or two later I called the unit to ask them why I was kept inside all the time. The woman answered, “You had to get a doctor’s note to go outside.” I was never informed of that policy as an inpatient. I don’t know – it was just fucked up. Don’t get me started about what the coffee situation was like.
So yeah, I have anxieties, aches and pains, I have “bipolar wrinkles” and white hair. I have belly fat that bugs me despite my working out every day. But in the writing of my book and in sharing this post with you, I feel a lot better. Writing can serve as an attitude adjustment, because I’ve been reminded that holy shit, my situation could be a LOT worse!
On a related note (bear with me – please) aside from Madeleine L’Engle, one of my other favorite bestselling authors is SARK. The San Francisco-based author and artist has over 2 million books in print, and she has a free “Inspiration Line”.
SARK has run this line for over 15 years and I’ve been calling it since it began. (1-415-546-EPIC) She changes the message every few months when she feels inspired. SARK talks for a few minutes and then you can hang up or leave her a message. Lately she has been VERY inspired as she’s getting married for the first time in her life and she turned 60 last year. Never say never.
SARK has often closed her inspiration messages with the line “My gift to you is….” She’d come up with all kinds of creative, fanciful “gifts” of ways her callers could appreciate beautiful moments in life in a non-throw-uppy way. (Yes, that’s a word.)
I explain all that because I want to give you a gift, too. I can’t come up with anything truly SARK-like, as much as I wish I could. Moreover, I don’t have money I can throw your way, but I want to give you the gift of appreciating something today that you might be taking for granted.
It doesn’t have to be deep – it can be the kind of soda you’re drinking. It can be the warm socks you’re wearing. The purring of your cat. The CD you’re listening to, or the fact that your internet is working.
It can be deep too.
What am I appreciating today? The sunny weather. I love it. When I suffered with bipolar depression for years at a time, I obsessed about the phrase “The tyranny of a beautiful day”. I felt like such a failure for hating the gorgeous, sunny days because all I wanted to do was to hide in the darkness beneath my blankets – I wanted to fall asleep forever so I could escape the pain.
Now I want to get dressed and go out into that sunshine. Today.
I don’t take today for granted, and I never will again.
Love to you all,