“I’m Not A Mess” (Except When I’m A Mess)

 

 

“I’m Not A Mess” by Dyane

Trigger Warning:

A touch of profanity and silly, embarrassing neck movements 

 

Last Friday I was inspired by the writing of Dr. Walker Karraa, founder of Stigmama.com and author of the bestselling book Transformed by Postpartum Depression: Women’s Stories of Trauma and Growth.  

Dr. Karraa wrote about how the media only portrays women with postpartum mood disorders (PPMD’s) as sad. The reality is that I, along with most women with PPMD’s, use the full range of our emotions.  Many of us don’t walk around 24/7 with gloom and doom expressions.  I came up with my ditty “I’m Not a Mess”, and I felt pretty spunky when I recorded my tune.  Little did I know that I’d become a major mess over the weekend.

Valentine’s Day was beautiful and sunny, but I woke up out of sorts.  The previous night I read a Freshly Pressed post that deeply affected me: Asher’s “Bipolar as Unexpected Gift” on My Beautiful Machine.   In a nutshell, I allowed Asher’s post title to trigger me.  I wrote a complaint to WordPress letting them know why I wasn’t thrilled with their selection.

Next, I wrote my own blog post about Asher’s post.  I broke my stringent rule of not waiting a minimum of twenty-four hours to review and publish any post.  Instead, as soon as I finished typing “Do YOU think bipolar is a gift?”, I pressed the blue “Publish” button.  Shazam! I had no idea what I was about to stir up.  

I received more comments about “Do YOU think bipolar is a gift?” than any of the other 257 posts I’ve written. (Speaking of comments, I apologize for not having responded to comments yet. I will! My apologies!)

If I could re-do Valentine’s weekend, I would have put my energy into doing something else than writing about Asher’s post.  It’s so easy to look back at such events and think, “Hmmmm – that wasn’t good for me, as much as I wanted to hop on my soapbox and pontificate!”   I should have given stinky Lucy a lavender and mint-scented bath instead, or hang out with the girls, or God forbid, work on my book. But nooooooooooo!

Ironically, Asher and I wound up getting in touch with one another after I published my post. He took the high road instead of becoming defensive. I thought he had every right to be huffy, so I was pleasantly surprised by his positive attitude. We both agreed on how much we love the blogosphere, and it was nice to interact with a blogger who could take my criticism with a grain of salt and a cup of compassion.  Asher was willing to re-examine different perceptions of bipolar as gift, as evil incarnate, or somewhere in between…  (You all know how I feel about that! 😉  I was grateful to him.

Moving on….

Then, Saturday evening I became The Devil.  

Valentine’s Day is always weird for me.  For years I’ve pretended that I’m low-maintenance and claimed that I don’t need a mushy card, flowers, high-end chocolate, a nice dinner, and so on. But that has been a blatant lie, and like a volcano, I’ve kept my bubbling, lava-like anger inside of me until I finally burst. 

I didn’t communicate with my husband about my expectations – my first big mistake.  When Valentine’s Day came round, my husband gave me a card, but that was it.  When Craig and I turned in for the night, I made a caustic remark that irritated him more than I thought it would.  He became an ice cube and fell asleep instantly.

Meanwhile, yours truly fumed. I even started crying – it was unusual for me to cry over a rebuff like that, but I felt so hurt and disappointed.  I wanted our evening to be special, or at least have some affection, but there was no hug or kiss goodnight.  Nada.

I couldn’t sleep.

That became a BIG problem.

I took an extra 25 mg of my Seroquel.  I read a book. Still, no sleep in sight.

I fumed some more.  Then I did something extremely rare.  I woke up Craig from his enviable deep sleep.  I told him that I couldn’t sleep.  He didn’t hear my snorts and sniffles; instead he rolled over and he went back to sleep within seconds.

I woke him up again.  The same pattern took place.

I barely slept the rest of the night, and my history has shown that’s disastrous.  Even one night’s lack of sleep messes me up big-time!  The following day I was a zombie and despite another beautiful, sunny day, I stayed in bed. I was exhausted, I was still bottled up with anger  and what was worse was that I felt depressed.  That scared the sh*t out of me, as I hadn’t felt that down in a long time.

I tried taking a nap, but it wasn’t happening.  The only thing that brought me comfort aside from Lucy licking away my tears was watching the sixth season of “Nurse Jackie”.

In the afternoon Craig inadvertently made some noise as I tried in vain to nap. I got out of the bed and met him in the hallway, unable to look him in the eye.

Our girls were at a playdate, and so I let loose like Mt. Vesuvius.  I slammed the door several times, screaming all the while like a banshee about every wrong he ever did me for the past seventeen years of our relationship, and I screeched other things that should only be thought about, but never said out loud in anger.  

I told him that he should have woken up when he heard  me say that I couldn’t sleep, and he should have helped me somehow.  

Ever since my bipolar one kicked in (which, aside from a genetic predisposition to bipolar, was mainly caused by no sleep due to labor), without proper sleep, I become the biggest mess of all time.

My tantrum was so awful that afterwards my throat was bloody.  That evening I took extra Seroquel PRN per my psychiatrist. (Coincidentally PRN stands for the Latin phrase pro re nata, which means “as the situation demands.”) I’m allowed to use Seroquel PRN when faced with acute insomnia.  Thank God I slept through the night.

Craig and I made peace the next morning, and I explained to him that in the future,  if I ever wake him up and indicate I can’t sleep, it’s imperative that I need his assistance.  I should have taken extra Seroquel at the first sign that my insomnia was much worse than usual, but rage and sorrow clouded my judgement.  If Craig had urged me to take the medicine, I could have nipped the cycle in the bud.

This is no rocket science-like realization, but it took our having that kind of argument to realize that as someone with bipolar one, we can’t screw up even one night of my sleep if we can help it.  And yes, it needs to be a “we”.  

The best valentine I could ask for from my husband, bar none, is mental health support. When it’s obvious that I’m emotionally disturbed at bedtime (a precarious time because if I’m upset, I don’t sleep…) I need him to pay close attention, even if he’s tired and/or mad at me.  I need him to check in with me, and suggest I take extra medication if I haven’t done so already.

We learned a sober lesson from this Valentine’s Day.  Next year I’ll remember to ask for what I want instead of repress my feelings. I don’t expect a diamond ring or roses, but I do expect communication, kindness and proactiveness from my partner.

 

Literally right after I finished writing this post, I spotted an International Bipolar Foundation Facebook announcement of a new app called “Aware” creating awareness for people living with bipolar disorder.  Check out what it does below…

http://www.meganharley.com/#!aware/c1u5g

 

Aware is a wristband worn at night. It is unique in the sense that it is specifically aimed at people living with bipolar disorder, providing a way to measure, monitor and manage their sleep to ultimately become aware before a possible relapse as sleep acts as a prominent bio-marker in people with bipolar disorder.

 ‘Aware’ is about exactly what the title suggests, creating awareness for people living with bipolar disorder with sleep being a prominent bio-marker in terms of managing the disorder ” After many intense interviews and observations it was apparent that sleep has a major effect on bipolar disorder relapses and eventual hospitalization.

 This then led to the influential design ‘Aware’ which is a wristband worn at night, enabling a method to measure,monitor and manage their sleep to become aware of a possible relapse and aim to prevent it from happening.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

65 thoughts on ““I’m Not A Mess” (Except When I’m A Mess)

  1. I know this is an old post, but I just wanted you to know Bo and I used to have this issue of misreading a note or request and then just totally messing up. Of course I can say that Bo is doing it more than I am, but that is NOT fair, because I know that postpartum depression was like a cheesecloth over my senses. Yeah, I intercepted some stuff, but not all of it, and that often meant I didn’t understand him. Like you said, Bo and I work very hard now to communicate–yeah, we’ve got our silent-treatment moments, but more often than not we just take a breath and try to say it again, and again, until the other finally catches it. Usually it IS something pretty dumb, like not hearing dates correctly for Thanksgiving. But lately we ARE doing better. And I’m praying you, O Java Queen are doing better, too. 🙂 xxxxx

    1. I’m totally embarrassed about this old post, LOL!

      “cheesecloth over my senses” – how brilliant a line is THAT? My gosh! You should trademark or copywrite or do some other type of legal gobbledegook to get credit for such a line!

      Anyway, I’m so glad you and Bo are doing better. We’re moving into smoother times as well. As I shared with you yesterday, we’re FINALLY getting around to moving our girls into their own rooms, and that’s going to improve the atmosphere in this house. Lucy, the poor fluffy beast often in the middle of the kids’ fights, will probably be the happiest of all. Avi and Rilla will have rooms to flee to when they start flipping out at each other over Very Important Things like wanting to borrow an item of clothing. Oh, I can’t wait until it truly happens!!! Hope your Sunday is groovy, and that Rocket Fuel is on its way to you, hallelujah! ☕️ The stuff is popular – I went by the local upscale market on Friday (very bad habit) and it was the only Coffeol Roasting Col. roast that was SOLD OUT!, LOL! I understand why that’s the case!

      1. I can’t wait to taste this golden Rocket Fuel! 🙂 And hush, don’t be embarrassed– it’s a true slice of married life, this, and one we can all understand. xxxxxx
        And you’re right about that need for space–Biff tries to get some by retreating to his top bunk. When Bash wants to be alone he…yeah, he goes into Biff’s top bunk, too. Thankfully they don’t normally do that at the same time. 🙂 We’ve already been talking about how we’ll have to resituate the house to let the boys have their own rooms, but for now, they like having each other at arm’s length…most of the time. 😛

  2. I read this a few days ago but just now got a chance to watch the video. Catchy tune! I’m sorry you had such a crappy time, but at least you have amazing insight and can put a plan into place for next time!

    1. Awww, thanks supermama! I still need to catch up with your “Cha cha cha changes” blog post , but I promise you I will. And I love your awesome attitude – you’re right….I now really, truly know what to do (and what NOT to do!) when it comes to repressing one’s expectations for a special holiday and communication….sending you a big hug! I’m always grateful for your comments – you are one busy bee and it means a lot to me that you take the time to read, let alone comment! XOXO

  3. I can relate so much to how miscommunication (or lack of it) can lead to an explosion. I hope that by talking to him after the fact that next time he will be more attentive to your situation. I wish my husband had an iota of attentiveness in him. I sleep about 9 hours a day, but it’s broken up into little chunks of time, never in a deep sleep, almost always filled with bizarre or terrifying dreams. Sleep is a big issue for me, so this I really relate to. Sometimes I go 3 days with no sleep when I’m manic, then it takes me at least a week to recover once I start coming back down again. That wrist band seems really cool. I’d like to see some real user reviews on it to see how it works in the real world. xoxo

    1. Lisa, I’m finally getting around to replying to comments and I wanted to make sure to thank you so much! We haven’t had any awful blow-outs since this incident happened, thank God. :0 That must be so hard to never get one long, good chunk of sleep!!! And the bizarre/terrifying dreams SUCKS! Do you think it’s med-related? I know that my Seroquel has caused bizarre, disturbing dreams…they aren’t so bad that they are a deal breaker with the med, but it’s tough, isn’t it? Anyway, I hope that you’re doing well. I was thinking of you today, as I haven’t seen you post on your blog lately & I miss that. I think I’ll go send you a tweet to say hi! take care, sweet mama! love, Dy

  4. Ah, yes, the lack of sleep and the corresponding mood swings: that is far too familiar to me. I think the lack of sleep my freshman year of college is one major reason why that’s when I started cycling; I lived in the dorms and people came into our room until the wee hours of the morning. We had “all-in” at 11 p.m. (1 a.m. on the weekends) but other girls were popping in and out, even when my roommate and I wanted to go to bed! I had always gone to bed by 9 p.m., so that was a huge issue. Totally relate to what happened to you on V-day. I hope things are much, much smoother now!

    1. Thanks so much, Laura! That’s interesting how you tracked your cycling to your disruptive sleep patterns in college – and it makes perfect sense as well! Things are smoother now, fingers & toes and eyes crossed!!! All I can say is that I have a very strong feeling that next year’s V Day will be quite different and I won’t repress a darn thing about what I’d like for it! And I’ll try not to be totally self-absorbed and check in with him about his expectations too. :)))

      p.s. As you know, sleep is so powerful when it comes to bipolar disorder.. With my father, who had bipolar one as well, his UCLA psychiatrist had him try sleep deprivation to rid him of his severe bipolar depression in the 1980’s. I don’t remember if it worked for him, unfortunately. In my case sleep deprivation for several days in a row (due to labor/childbirth) triggered mania! Sigh.

      1. I can’t imagine how your father’s psychiatrist thought that sleep deprivation would help. I’ve read about studies that show how sleep deprivation affects our bodies and minds, and even normal-minded people can go loopy after a while!

  5. Hey there Lady Dy, I’ve been looking for a post called “I’m a Mess” because that’s what you wrote in your comment to me! This is quite impressive. Sorry you had such an awful Valentine’s Day! I got flowers and chocolates and I gave my husband flowers, chocolates and a card… I just wanted to give him something this year, usually I don’t… Sleep, hmmm, I can stay up all night if I don’t take my Seroquel… pretty bad… and then I don’t wake up till all hours of the day… really bad. Yes the joys of having bipolar d/o. Hope you are feeling better now and please call your doctor if you need to. I don’t think your mood should be so volatile if you are on the correct doses of meds. Love and hugs girly. Talk soon.

    1. Hi beautiful! I’m sorry it took so long to reply, and I really appreciated your comment as always! While the dust settled and my mood has been stable since the eruption, I’ve been having an unusual amount of fatigue the past few months…

      I’m able to get things done, & I even still can work out every day per my exercise guru Dr. Alsuwaidan’s guidelines, but I want to get checked out by my dr. My thyroid tested out fine a few months ago, but I’m wondering if there’s something else going on. Anemia? Premenopause? (I turn 45 in about 3 weeks!)

      I made an appointment with my regular dr. to get a check-up on Thursday. What made my mood outburst so severe was not a med. issue, but due to that one night’s loss of sleep – it was cause & effect. I’m so sensitive when it comes to sleep, as are many people with bipolar as you know. I discussed the whole thing with my therapist & she suggested that Craig & I get some therapy again, so that’s in the cards. Anyway, please send me some good luck regarding the fatigue issue. I’m getting flashbacks of my mono experience in high school! ;0

      Much love to you!!!! XOXOXO Dy a.k.a. “Fastest Tweeter in the West” Harwood! 🙂

    1. Awwww, thanks Rocky! Your bright spirit always shines through your comments! If I ever have the urge to sing & record “Rocky the Raccoon” song here, I’m dedicating it to YOU! Ha ha ha!

      1. I love ” The Beatles” thank you!! Did you had the opportunity to read my last story..is fiction..” A day to die, when the sacrifice opened the door to forgiveness”..just when..you have time..Thank you!! you made smile with “Rocky the Raccoon” , thank you!

  6. Thanks for sharing. It brought some comfort to me to know that I am not alone. I also take Seroquel to get through the night. I know what you mean about missing a night’s sleep. It’s disastrous! Candis Ross

    1. You are definitely NOT alone, Candis! Thank you so much for stopping by & reading! I wish there was a guaranteed, non-daytime drowsiness version of Seroquel – that would be so awesome. If there was, I’d up my dosage back to 100mg (I’m at 25mg) because I was sleeping much better. At that dose, it even seemed to have an antidepressant effect…I wasn’t manic or hypomanic, but I was writing for hours every day (I sure don’t now!) and my creative energy was strong. No one else thought I was manic in the slightest. These powerful meds are SOOOOO mysterious – they work differently for everyone, don’t they?

      I wish you well, and it warmed my heart to read your words. Please come back to the blog soon – next week I’ll be writing about the new mood disorder support group I’m holding this month. (Ahhhhh – I’m nervous!) I’m doing it for selfish reasons so that I feel less alone with bipolar, since there’s no groups available near where I live. I wonder if that idea interests you and if you’ve tried out a support group? Sorry to go on and on. take care, and (((hugs)))!!!!!

      1. Thanks for your reply. I am on 300mg.at night the XR version. I don’t know what I would do without it! I am following lots of BiPolar accounts and have many following me. I would be interested in a support group. Let me know and I will tweet it out!
        (((hugs))) Candis

    2. I think I found the right Twiter account for you & followed it! 🙂
      I looked for your blog but I couldn’t find it (I’m not so great at searches!)
      Do you mind sharing with me what the URL is so I can follow? Thanks again!!!

      1. Sorry, don’t have a blog yet!! Thanks for the follow! I went to all of your sites. They are great! Stay Happy!! Luv, Candis

  7. Wow! That was one hell of a Valentine’s Day. I must have roses and See’s chocolates for Valentine’s Day. Communication is key. Getting your husband on board is, too. Nick is a light sleeper, so when I can’t sleep, he asks if I’m OK. Since I’m usually hypomanic when I can’t sleep, I get a little annoyed. But he’s right. I need to take meds, get off the iPad, and go to sleep. Glad it all worked out. Hope your throat is healed.

    As for the conversation with Asher, your reaction started a dialogue. We learn from each other, from both our own and each other’s experiences and perceptions. Dialogue is a good thing (imagine me a la SNL skit of topless Martha Stewart delivering that line).

    1. How funny – you were writing this exactly while I was writing on your “Best Parent” post. You have a good guy in that Nick fellow, by the way!

      Asher is now my BFF! I jest, but honestly, I have warm regards for him and I’m pleased a dialogue was started, as you noted – that makes the fact that I got my panties bunched up in a wad easier to forget. As today compassion is being written about, it’s fitting that I wrote about how I found Asher’s compassion towards me & my opinions was quite profound. I thanked him profusely for his compassion. The timing couldn’t have been better.

      thanks as always for reading – I always look forward to your comments and value them.

      p.s. the idea of an SNL skit of a topless Martha S. expounding about good things = HILARIOUS!!!!!!

      1. Didn’t you see those skits? Ana Gasteyer did Martha Stewart impersonations “topless” with a black bar covering her chest. She apologized to Stewart for the impersonations when they were both guests on Late Night with Seth Meyers.

        Asher is indeed very compassionate. His understanding of living with mental illness is fairly sophisticated. He has been in treatment for most of his life, so he is well versed and thoroughly therapized. I’ve done three decade of therapy, so I recognize the insights he has gained and how he has come to a place of acceptance. He also recognized that he used language which set you off. He in no way dismisses the difficulties of living with this illness. Difficulties is too weak a word, but I’m too lazy to check the online thesaurus right now. Good night dear friend. I miss you. We must talk next week some time. I’m coming down from hypomania and am utterly spent and exhausted. Tomorrow I go to another NAMI class.

      2. I am finally catching up on comments, and I just wanted to say thank you to both of you ^–^

        Also, now I have to see this Topless Martha Stewart thing. Too much potential for hilarity to miss that 😀

  8. Dyane:

    First of all I am glad you and the hubby are now communicating again, so so important! Next I am glad that you are on the way to feeling better-ish.

    It is so tough to be supportive 24/7. I’ve told my wife to wake me (if she is having issues at night) up and sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t. I leave that decision up to her.

    Just remember, even wide awake us guys aren’t the best of communicators. Get is half asleep…wow…horrible!!

    😉

    Take care!! Vic

    1. I know you’re going to roll your eyes, but honestly, in another chapter of your life I could envision you as a therapist. The pay isn’t so hot, though, but I’m sure it would be fulfilling in other ways. Maybe when you retire? You have a special understanding of the challenges we face in relationships where one person has the mental illness. I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again – you’re a stand-up husband and your wife is incredibly fortunate to have you at her side. I’m going to go catch up on your last couple blog posts – I spotted the job opp. mention and I’m eager to comment about that! :)) Have a great weekend, my friend! Dy

      1. Thanks for that vote of confidence. I’m not too sure I could be a therapist, such an emotionally and mentally draining career!

  9. My fair Lady, now you see how intuitive I am when seeing “greatness” in people before the Fact? 🙂

    Welcome back slowly but surely to the blogosphere. Aha here, am not the only one with a Love – Hate – and em soso promising Affair with Sleep.

    Hope this weekend is far better than the last, Val day or not

    1. Thank you my intuitive dear! Thank you!!

      Sleep is going better. Last night I read a book called “The Reluctant Psychic”. I’ve had a lifelong fascination with psychics, although I never have met with one. I found the book well-written and fascinating (I knew it had to be decent as it’s published by St. Martin’s Griffin, a publisher I’ve always liked) & her story didn’t freak me out so much that it had the opposite effect and kept me awake!

      I’m hoping for a mellow weekend with decent sleep each night. Prayers for good snoozes are welcome! I wish you a lovely weekend and please be extra-good to yourself. You’ve been through a lot of (exciting-but-stressful, perhaps) change! XOXOX much love from Lady Dy!

      1. Yes lady thanks. Indeed tomorrow l plan on treating myself to visitng an old city here in Belgium called Brugges. I have never been there and l gather it has some UNESCO marked sites blabla! Guess, l got a free to and fro 1st class train ticket from the Railway Company for my birthday, but u know the mess and not so messy l have been dealing with for some time now. Ok lady let me not hijack ur post, glad u loved the book

  10. Dyane,
    I am so sorry you had such a terrible weekend. I totally agree that lack of sleep is a trigger for my bipolar moods too – mainly mania. Hope your sleeping pattern is back on track now.
    xoxo,
    Elaina

    1. Now you know why I disappeared from Facebook when I said I’d be around. (I think I wrote you I would be online! Now I can’t remember with this fuzzy brain of mine!) :0

      Anyway, I’m thrilled to see you here @ the blog – thank you for your sweet words. Well, my sleep is improving, although it could be a LOT better! I wish I could nap deeply on the beanbag like the lovely Lucy does..Lately she has been hopping onto the verboten couch and our bed for snoozes.

      I was okay with it (how’s this for a major tangent) UNTIL she peed on my bed!!!! After she had enjoyed napping on it – I couldn’t believe the audacity of such a move! I looked on the net and I found that she wasn’t necessarily mad at me as I had assumed, per se – there were other dog emotions possibly at work, such as feeling lonely/scared when she was alone in the house. Have you heard of this??? (You don’t have to answer now – you can Facebook me!)

      Back to the post subject – I hope your sleep is going well, my friend!!!!!!

      Love you!
      Dyane “I Totally Digress” Harwood

  11. I’m SO behind. I’ve been out of the blogosphere loop! Sounds like an eventful week. Glad you’re feeling better and wow, how I relate to so much of what you wrote about the interactions with your husband.

    1. I’ve been missing your posts very much, but I figured you were busy of course! I’m happy and thankful to see you here. It makes me feel better to know you can relate to the $&%*#! interactions I had w/Craig, but I’m not happy that you’ve also suffered. Hope to read one of your posts soon, and take good care, dear G.H.! 🙂

  12. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get some sleep 🙂

    Sleep is an old frenemy of mine! Seroquel definitely has helped and I have mostly sound sleeps but when I don’t I’m a wreck too.

    1. Sleep – I love how you call it a “frenemy” because it sure is in my life. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night and then woke up all peachy, refreshed and energized. I have hope that someday I’ll have that lovely experience again. As much as I appreciate my Snooze-o-quel (I give credit Wendy K. Williamson for that term) it still makes me groggy, even at 15-25 mg.

      Anyway, I’m glad I caught up with your awesome blog last night to learn that you’re doing better with the lower lithium. YAY! Keep me (and everyone else!) posted, okay? Take care & sending you (((hugs))) galore and also good, groovy sleep too! 😉

      1. Snooze-o-quel! That’s awesome. It’s too bad it makes you groggy, seroquel has worked really well for me so far (on the lower doses).

        I was so happy to see your comment! I didn’t even read your repost about that “bipolar is a gift” or whatever post because the bipolar is a gift/curse thing fires me up too much! I’m glad to see you posting though, your blog is a great read. I will keep updating the lowered lithium journey. It’s been easier to post about it since it’s been successful so far.

        Hugs back at ya, and hope you have more good sleep !! 🙂

  13. Oh, one more bit — the Aware device sounds potentially brilliant. I really struggle with insomnia, and it would be cool to have a bipolar-specific tracking device!

  14. I love the phrase “I’m not a mess (except when I’m a mess)” — that actually captures so much of the experience of bipolar, and maybe of mental illness in general.

    I hope things are one the upswing for you after what sounds like a pretty tough weekend. You make a really important point, here, about knowing what you need and advocating for yourself in difficult moments (and also about how hard it can be). I think we all struggle with that sometimes.

    Thank you again for your kind words. For the record, I don’t think you said anything at any point that would have warranted defensiveness or huffiness. Rather, you created a textbook example of how to disagree with someone kindly and respectfully. The world needs way more of that you 🙂 You were very thoughtful and humane in all your comments, and I really admire that!

    1. Okay, Asher, I now want to be your new straight BFF! 😉 (I’m being silly – I’m a total goofball! Forgive me, but you are so sweet!) Thank you so much for reading my post thoughtfully, and for sharing your insights – I’m honored!

      As you know, I wrote that other post about bp & gifts while upset, & I think I should have at least gone and worked out on my elliptical for an hour before writing it! (I work out almost every day, but not until late afternoon. I blog in the mornings.) Since I broke my self-imposed rule not to wait 24 hrs before publishing it, I blew it in all sorts of ways. But I learned from the whole thing, so that’s good! 🙂 The best part of the experience was encountering your generosity, respect and open-mindedness.

      I think the world needs more of both of us! Uh oh, my head is growing a little bigger as I type that, but it’s the truth, ha ha! We’re good people!

      take care and I’ll keep in touch as I’m your most recent blog followers. Have a wonderful day and thanks for brightening up my morning. take good care in all those athletic pursuits! 😉 Dy

      1. Goofiness is always welcome here, Dy! ^—^

        You’re right — we are good people. I don’t think we tell ourselves that anything like often enough; we’re taught to see that as tooting our own horns. Sometimes, though, it’s totally warranted!

        To me, what makes a good person isn’t whether or not they make mistakes and so forth, but how they respond when they feel like maybe they’ve stepped on someone else’s toes (it’s kind of like bravery; bravery isn’t fearlessness, it’s being afraid and going forward anyway). Denis is always going on about how he’s not that great a person beverage he has to try; I alwaya remind him that it’s the trying that makes him great! (Also the having-the-patience-of-a-saint bit; I’m sure I’m not easy to live with :P)

        Go get yourself a big fabulous hat to go with your deservedly-expanding head (maybe I will, too!) ^—^ There’s nothing wrong with recognizing your own worth.

    2. Asher, I totally have to get that big hat! I only have a knit cap and that won’t cut it!!! 😉

      Re: tooting our horns – Over the past year I got a couple unexpected accolades (one was a nomination from a wonderful writer named Wendy K. Williamson, author of “I’m Not Crazy Just Bipolar”. It was for a WEGO Health Award) and I tooted big-time to my network about it. I admit I went a bit overboard in spreading the word about the WEGO nomination, but I had reasons that you’ll appreciate – because for so long since I was diagnosed with bipolar, I felt “un-tootable” (that’s probably not in the Oxford English Dictionary, eh?) When I got the award nomination, it definitely felt like a validation, although I knew that I shouldn’t look to an award for that – I should start with self-validation before anything else.

      Anyway – please don’t ever hold back on shining your light. I support you to toot your horn whenever possible, as long as there’s a legit. reason behind it, ha ha hah! And maybe even sometimes when there isn’t one!

      It sounds like you have a gem in Denis – that oldie-but-goodie proverb “patience is a virtue” really is true, isn’t it?

      You are absolutely right in that the trying is what matters, not perfectionism. Mistakes are guaranteed in this life! :0

      By the way, I doubt you’ll see that Kitt wrote this about you in a follow-up comment, and I wanted you to see it:

      “Asher is indeed very compassionate. His understanding of living with mental illness is fairly sophisticated. He has been in treatment for most of his life, so he is well versed and thoroughly therapized. I’ve done three decade of therapy, so I recognize the insights he has gained and how he has come to a place of acceptance. He also recognized that he used language which set you off. He in no way ”

      How awesome is that?

      Have a fantastic weekend!!!!!
      Dyane “Goofy” H. 😉

    3. I like you a lot already! Glad Dyane had a rant or I’d never have heard of you.
      I have Cyclothymia; Bipolar Lite as Stephen Fry calls it.
      I too have said to my very understanding sister, I’m alright until I’m not alright.
      Sleep is essential to my overall wellbeing. My little girl also has trouble with it and I tell her not to get angry or upset with it, but love it, be soft towards it and it will come to you:)

      1. Good old Stephen Frye! I have to admit, he has been sort of instrumental in my willingness to accept my own diagnosis and settle down and start really working on figuring out how to live with this thing.

        I’m really glad you have good, supportive people in your life, Kamille. That has made all the difference in the world to me.

      2. I love the idea of changing one’s attitude towards sleep, Kamille, and especially how you phrased it to your daughter “not to get angry or upset with it, but love it, be soft towards it and it will come to you”. That’s so beautiful and I’m going to use that one for myself as well as my girls! 🙂 thanks!!

  15. Oh… my friend 😦

    First let me say that I love your blog pic of you and Lucy. It is beautiful!!! 🙂 It makes me happy and peaceful.

    Now… Somehow that post got away from me, but life also has gotten away from me lately. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your weekend was hellish. We talked a bit in comments, but I feel like I should have done more. Good thing for our Paisleys and Lucys 🙂

    I hate sleep. I hate drugs and I hate significant others when those other two things aren’t cooperating because I feel like they should fix those things. I feel like they should be in my head and then I realize THANK GOD they aren’t but damn it they should fix it anyway. It’s so good that you guys could talk it out and fix it so he knows now. I can’t get that to EVER happen. Thus, alone again 😦 But, oh well… Life goes on! And, I have Paisley 🙂

    You are a dear, STRONG, beautiful woman 🙂 I adore your strength! And the video ROCKS!!! 🙂 Thank you for being in my world!

    Love you – even when you think you are a mess LOL 🙂

    1. Thank you for your super-lovely words about the blog picture of me and Lucy – I love it too! That puppy (she’s almost a dog, sniff sniff – she turns 1 on the same day I turn 45 next month!) can’t take a bad picture!

      You never have to apologize for anything unless you compose a jazzy piano tune about me, call me an asshole and post it to YouTube! Ha ha ha!!!! (I’m out of it so if that falls flat, well, you understand – that’s the beauty of Jami – you understand. And Bailey and Lucy probably understand a helluva a lot more than we ever will!)

      All I ask is that you post as many Bailey photos to your blog as you can & keep in touch.

      As great as Craig is (he has saved my life many times by taking me seriously when I said I was acutely suicidal, & getting me to the hospital STAT while taking care of babies and toddlers singlehandedly) I can’t expect him to make that gnawing pain go away. It’s not fair to him. And it’s not cool for me to put him in the mind reading role either.

      I’m still tired from last weekend. I look like shit. I have circles under my eyes. I’ve been eating extra Monin chocolate syrupy sauce out of the bottle – that’s pretty low. But that stuff is damn good!!!

      I love you too and I think we humans are ALL messes – I don’t are who you are. Everyone has something, a dark side they don’t usually reveal.

      I send you, my dear, a huge HUG and if you give Bailey kisses despite where his cute snout has been, give him a kiss from yours truly!

      xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxxo

      your messy-but-loving, freaky friend always,
      Dy

  16. BTW, I note Aware is being promoted pretty heavily through social media and the tabloid press (even though it’s not yet on the market) but I’ve been unable to find any reference to it in peer reviewed journals. Google Scholar found nothing and it even checks journals on the wackier fringes of CAM.

    There are a lot of medical apps out there that fall a long way short of meeting their claims. This one is unlikely to be actively harmful, but I sure wouldn’t blow much money on it until it’s been validated by independent testing.

    1. I agree with you about Aware & the need to wait until it has been tested/validated independently…I toyed with the idea of asking the creator for a “review sample” since I’m a cheapskate, but
      a) she’d probably say no, and
      b) as you point out, it’s up in the air as to how effective it truly is!

      1. I think Cabrogal has an excellent point there, now that I’ve finally drilled down here far enough to read it! I would definitely like to see some peer-reviewed data on its effectiveness (or at least a solid, science-based explanation of their idea).

        I’m also wondering if its sleep-tracking feature is somehow different than that of the other sleep-tracking bracelet things currently out there (most of which also track exercise). I keep forgetting about them, but both my friends Eric and Larry use FitBit bracelets which track sleep. It would be interesting to run a study to see if that sort of technology can be helpful for people living with bipolar in general.

    1. Thanks, honeybuns! Things are better now, but there’s always something!
      The great Gilda Radner got that one right! ; XOXOXOXOOXOOXXOOX
      I always love hearing from you – I appreciate you more than you know!!!

  17. I’ve gotta admit I was pretty shocked when I realised you’d written to WordPress for FPing asher’s post – and that was even before I’d read it and seen how innocuous it was. (Actually I thought it was pretty damned good).

    I probably should have twigged that something bad was happening in your head and held off on my comments. But even though becoming hyperdefensive was a feature of my own downturns I failed to recognise it as a sign of yours.

    The point I’m getting to is this. Don’t expect Craig to be a mind reader either. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to try to learn better ways of helping you through rough patches but there is a limit to empathy and that limit is reduced quite a bit when you just don’t experience the mental states of those you’re trying to empathise with. It can be hard enough just trying to read your own mind.

    If my comments in any way added to your distress, please accept my apologies.

    And as usual, don’t feel you have to respond to them. That sort of thing can earn you an OCD diagnosis ;).

    1. You’re a sweetie – Cabrogal – I haven’t read your comments yet, either here or at your blog, because I’ve been out of it & behind on reading blogs/comments. I promise not to freak out and write a blog post about YOU! 😉 If I’m going to write about anything Cabrogal/Neurodrooling-related it will be about your bunnies or drool or allergies, which I’ve been suffering lately – I think it’s tree pollen! XOXO

      1. I thought about this stuff while out driving (before I saw your last reply )& I think I’m hold off reading those 60 comments for a while – I think it’s best for me to take a break from the topic in my head, if that makes any sense.

        When I do read your post I’ll try my best not to over-react. You are much more than any one comment & it’s not fair to freak at you!!! As I mentioned in today’s post, I should have (at the very least) not posted it right away & simply let the whole enchilada cook in my brain for a while. I probably should have saved it in drafts and written something else. Oh well. Too late now!

  18. I wonder if that aware bracelet will make its way to this corner of the globe; must ask pdoc.

    Dy. Thank you for my first laugh of the day (it’s 16h52) – great ditty, verrrry cool and funny. But the point where I snorted and laughed aloud was you flipping the bird and muttering about assholes. You, my friend, rock more than the Rockies.

    Sorry you turned into a sleepless Vesuvius, but things like that are bound to happen from time to time, right? Perfectionism is a dangerous myth. And honestly, you seem to have come through it with grace and awareness. So there.

    1. I can’t tell you how honored I felt to know my post (well, ditty) gave you your first chuckle of the day. That seriously made ME feel great as I rushed out the door, trying to prepare myself to not rage at the horrible parent drivers I encounter on our highway and at the school parking lot!

      My favorite part of the song was my bird flipping/asshole moment. Vulgar? Perhaps. But very satisfying to do all the same. Lucy is used to me saying much, much worse than a-hole, so she was okay with the whole thing.

      There is no perfectionism, you got that one right. It’s just that (bring on the whine!) why do I have to fall quite so far, still….at the (ahem) ripe young age of almost 45 and after being around manic depressive Dad and then manic depressive me that whole time? “Why?” I beseech you! “Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????” I implore with such a high-pitched screech that it could crack a window.

      I guess for my 45th birthday I’m gonna ask for..ah! I hear you guessing across the oceans.

      “Super-expensive chocolate – lots of it?” you ask.

      “Hell no!” I reply. “I need an AWARE APP!”

  19. Yes, that tool looks pretty incredible. I wondered if it was a sign? 😉 I’m relieved that we have a concrete plan from now on instead of assumptions that backfire. :0

    Have a wonderful weekend!!! 🙂 Thanks for reading & commenting faithfully – I really appreciate it.

    be well,
    Dy

I'd love to hear from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s