This morning I’m writing old-school style, with a pen and a college-ruled notebook. It’s foreign to write this way, which feels bittersweet. I’ve become so used to using my laptop for writing that I haven’t used a pen in ages. I’ve only touched a pen or pencil to jot down birthday card greetings, return addresses on bills (alas, I don’t have those nifty address labels!) and grocery lists.
I’m not handwriting today for its romantic element. To my intense frustration, I’ve been blocked from using our shared computers, but I don’t feel up to making a fuss over it. I want this morning to be as calm as possible because I woke up in a big ‘ol funk. At 5:00 a.m. the precocious Lucy, now a thirteen-week-old bundle of energy, woke me up, raring to go on a puppy ultra-marathon. My husband Craig also rose early and he made enough noise in leaving our room that I couldn’t get back to sleep.
While hiding my head in my pillow, a heavy-duty case of what I call The Dreads fell upon me.
The Dreads are a first-cousin of depression and, like The Black Dog, consist of mental and physical fatigue, plus a looming dread of the day to come. As I sat there in bed I was too wiped out to get up to start the day. Ironically, when I’ve been hit with The Dreads, once I’ve gotten out of bed and had my first cup of coffee, The Dreads slowly but surely vanish like a vampire caught in daylight. That’s the difference between depression and The Dreads – a couple hours. But they still suck.
When I finally crawled out of bed at 7:00 a.m., I remembered I had cut down my Seroquel the night before. I went from 100mg to 50 mg. As I hadn’t had The Dreads hit me this intensely for a while, I wondered if there could be any connection between the medication drop and my distressing mental state.
Of course it could just be a coincidence or my paranoia about how this med reduction affected me, or it could be both things! But just in case it really is the Seroquel reduction, I’m going to resume my 100mg of Seroquel tonight and remain at that amount for the rest of the summer.
I’ve already found out that ever since my kids got out of school, our days have been too unstructured for my mental well-being. I think I need a more regular daily schedule in order for me to feel confident about changing my medication dosage. In any case, I can definitely live with my Seroquel-related grogginess for the next two months.
My friend Becca Moore, the author and founder of the new website the Bipolar Parenting Project, wrote a great post on routine in her Psych Central Bipolar Parenting column. Here’s the link:
Maybe if I improve other habits that mess up my energy level, such as my sugar-infused diet, that could help with the grogginess. Also, if I attempt to go to sleep and wake up at regular times like I did when the girls were in school, that would help with kicking The Dreads’ butt and with my grogginess too.
When the girls’ school closed for summer break, I stopped using my Sunbox therapeutic bright light every morning, which I did for a minimum of a half hour. I didn’t think the light was making a significant difference in terms of keeping the nasty Dreads away, but maybe it has helped me more than I thought. I’m going to make a point of using my Sunbox on a daily basis once again. It’s really easy to do this as I can write, surf the net or read in front of it. And, of course, eat while using it. (Hopefully not too much double chocolate Talenti gelato!!)
On the brighter side, it helps me to notice that I’ve improved on my “all or nothing thinking” that I’ve done for so long. In the past, I would have felt that I failed my one-day-long Seroquel taper. I would have thought horrible things such as “You f*cking loser!” and “You’ll never be able to lower your Seroquel!” Now, I think differently, and my self-flagellation is thankfully gone. I’m able to think about all of this more rationally, and I’ll look to the fall as a better time to try again. That’s pretty cool!
I can’t expect every day to be sunshine and rainbows. (Can I?) Well, I know a couple people who actually do feel strongly that way, and I admire them for their attitude, but I’m not there yet.
In the meantime, I’m going to carry on with my self-care routine the rest of this afternoon. That consists of working out, paying attention to my kids and husband, and trying my best not to eat too much ice cream. (It’s sooooo good this time of year, though.)
I’ll take Lucy for a stroll on our “Death Road” in which I pray she doesn’t have diarrhea like she did yesterday. (Oh yes, I practice the fine art of T.M.I.) I’m so glad The Dreads disappeared because after suffering with bipolar depression, any glimpse of those awful feelings is scary as hell.
I’ll be around here in Blogville this Friday, and I’ll let you know how my Seroquel increase goes.
Wishing you sunshine, rainbows, gelato ( if you like it) and most importantly, not a whisper of The Dreads EVER! :))