Here is more of my story, with lots & lots details about what lifted me out of the suicidal depression.I know it’s freaky, but after going through pure hell since the birth of Marilla I ***finally*** feel better one looooong year later, and I know that others can feel better too.
This is the post I have shared with the Bipolar Moms group at BabyCenter.com and the bipolar moms at Gather.com, in various forms.
“I’m Finally Winning the Battle with Bipolar Disorder and Major Clinical Depression!”
Posted originally at www.bipolarworld.org, in the “Journal” section under “Avonlea”
My bipolar disorder was finally diagnosed, at age 37, after I gave birth to Marilla in Santa Cruz. Both my mother and father have bipolar illness. After my second daughter was born, I did not sleep for 6 nights. I had postpartum mania and was hypergraphic (it’s the DSM-IV term for one’s intense need to write nonstop) as well.
I wrote most of a book in 4 days while my tiny baby slept and while my poor toddler watched Noggin. It was awful. My eyes hurt so much since I had them open for 6 days straight….My mania turned into depression in November, 2007, which intensified, despite my taking different medications such as the powerful antipsychotic Zyprexa.
When I took Zyprexa, it did help calm down the mania, but within 1 hour of ingesting it I started hearing voices from “The Universe” and from my dead grandmother, who I was very close to while growing up. It was scary, weird and more than a little uplifting too, I must admit, as I loved my Granny very much and I honestly thought it was her speaking to me. :0
During my two months of mania, I was seeing an excellent psychiatrist in Soquel, but he could only do so much for me, as I was a tough case! After I had a reaction to the antidepressant amitriptyline, a.k.a. Elavil (within just 24 hrs of taking it!) I became acutely suicidal last December.
I took one Elavil pill at night, and then the next morning I woke up wanting to either hang myself with a rope or slit my wrists with our crappy old razor. I just couldn’t believe how bad and crazy I felt. My kids were 5 feet away from me and I didn’t want to leave them. They are the reasons I am still alive. It was a true miracle I did not take my own life that morning. I never felt that way before in my life…I mean I had low points, but never such a strong, unnatural-feeling urge to kill myself. It was the drug. I now know why the FDA put those black boxes warning of suicide risk on antidepressants. I don’t know why they just focus on the possibility of that happening to kids, teens and young adults, though. Hell, it happened to me and I was 37. The main point here? I would never wish that feeling of utter hopelessness on any human being.
Sooooo….since I had such a disappointing experience at our local hospital when I was first diagnosed with bipolar I, when I was acutely suicidal I volunteered be hospitalized at Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula (CHOMP). I’ve been treated by CHOMP’s psychiatrist “Dr. A.” (a.k.a. Dr. Jerry Rhodes Ainsworth) ever since that 2nd hospitalization. Dr. A admitted me in the ER @ CHOMP, and although I haven’t seen him often since my hospitalization for both monetary and logistical reasons, he has been very helpful, especially on the phone. I call him during the day, and if it’s before 2:30 he calls me back that evening. So kind. Like my other psychiatrist in Soquel, Dr. A. is a wonderful person and very kind & responsive to my concerns. I referred him on the DBSA “Find A Pro” website (www.dbsalliance.org/FindAPro) so you can check out his profile and contact info.
I shared the following exciting details about what is helping me with my former online support group at www.BipolarWorld.org and yes, it’s super-long, but I hope you find it worth the time to read it.
Thanks in advance for reading – I believe in the following with all my heart. take care, Dyane
Subject: Holy Basil /Fish Oils/”Deep Sleep” & other alternative meds work to eradictate my severe depression/thoughts of suicide and to bring my hypomania down.
Posted to Bipolarworld.org on Tue Sep 09, 2008
Hi everyone.
After taking lithium for 6 months, and then Abilify after that for 5 months to absolutely no avail (and all the while I was trying out different antidepressants that did not help me i.e. Seroquel, Effexor, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Prozac, Risperdal, Lamictal, just to name a few…) I just couldn’t keep going the way I was going. I had so many extreme side effects that I could barely function with my baby and toddler. Plus, I gained 20 pounds and that was the least of the side effects !!! :0 After 11 months of pure h%$l, I realized, with extreme fear and reluctance, that I needed to try a different path to recovery.
While I must stress that alternative medicines (i.e. St. John’s Wort) have never helped my depression in the¨past, the alternative route is working for me now, dramatically. Because of that, I have been inspired me to post about it here in the “Elevated, “Depressed” & “Alternative Therapies” sections at www.BipolarWorld.org.
The following lengthy list describes what I’m now taking¨and I’m doing.
***ALL*** of these things are helping me in a profound way,especially taking the Holy Basil & doing the midday bright light therapy, and ingesting the high dose of fish oils, doing acupuncture and downing an herbal deep sleep blend every evening. Oh heck, every single one of the things you are about to read is helping me bigtime.
Most importantly, I am now getting my sleep, which is critical to my recovery/stabilization and it’s improving dramatically each night. I went from 1 hour of sleep over one week to 4 hours of sleep to 6 hours of sleep to 7-8 hrs. of good sleep and I’m stoked! I’m feeling really grounded and good. My thoughts are no longer racing as they were last week and over the weekend. Ok, so here’s the scoop:
1) New Chapter or Gaia Herbs Holy Basil: 300 mg/ 2x a day; I found out from my health consultant (who is brilliant, has a cult following and gives free advice) at our local health food store that I can take more of it as needed, i.e. 5-8 times a day! I don’t find I need to do that unless I am having triggers going on in my life.
2) Rainbow Light (made right here in Santa Cruz) Women’s Multivitamin (bought specifically because there’s a B complex in there,which is supposed to help us folks with bp, I believe.)
3) Nordic Naturals’ (excellent local company) Ultimate Omega 3’s and Cod Liver Oil with vitamin D (one tsp/day). 10 grams of the Omega 3’s a day, yes,10 grams – and my psychiatrist Dr. A was even ok with my megadosing with omega-3’s. If you are skeptical, please look at my post in the “Alternative” section @ bipolarworld.org about Omega-3’s and Bipolar, & read Dr. Stoll’s excellent book “The Omega Connection” in which there’s a chapter about high doses of the fish oils helping people with bipolar disorder.
4) An herbal sleep med. The specific stuff I take (“Deep Sleep” by Herbs Etc.) truly helps and it was recommended to me by Alison Brooks,MFT, the leader of my “Moms with Bipolar” support group (if you wish to join the Yahoo version of our moms with bipolar group, just comment with your email address here, and I’ll send you an invite. Aside from 10 moms in the online group, we also have 2 psychiatrists and 2 therapists who specialize in postpartum mood disorders in the group too – it’s pretty cool! 
)
5) Organic essential oils used at bedtime. (lavender in a special blend) and orange oil during the day, which helps with depression. I worked at a holistic school called College of the Botanical Healing Arts here in Santa Cruz (www.COBHA.org) that certifies essential oil practitioners. The practitioners took numerous classes, did clinical work, and studied 300+ hours to get their certification. Essential oils truly help any kind of healing regime, really! There have been clinical studies to prove it. England and Australia are far more advanced in this field than we are.
6) I’m using my therapeutic bright light (www.sunbox.com, mine cost $250 and I’m using it right now as I type this) to do 1/2 an hour of light therapy each day, at midday. (It really needs to be midday, otherwise one’s symptoms -can- get worse, i.e. mania or mixed state) A January 2008 study was published in which women with bipolar had their symptoms improve dramatically if they did light therapy at midday. You can do a search online for the link – it only takes 2 minutes to read the study results.
7) I have a phone counseling appointment with my therapist tomorrow, Allison Gilbert. (check out her inspiring site www.mothershaveneeds.com and workshop leader) With 2 kids, the phone is the way to go. She offers me a sliding scale fee, since we are so low on funds these days. It’s well worth the $. She believes in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, which has been found to help with both depression and bipolar
I’m getting an extensive acupuncture treatment done specifically for my bipolar next Tuesday with local Five Branches teacher Sally Sherriff, who lived in Japan for 8 years (see her website at wee.bluelotusmedicine.com) & she will be giving me “cupping” too (!!??not sure what that is yet 
) and Chinese herbs.
9) Yoga at Scotts Valley Fitness
10) Cardio exercise at the gym too, elliptical trainer, 30-40 minutes of steady cardio work (I was an American Council on Exercise certified personal trainer and circuit instructor for several years, so I love exercise)
11) Meditation…just for 5-10 minutes. I use Melissa Stone’s meditation DVD (www.groovygoddess.com) and her meditation section is only 7 minutes and focuses on the chakras. It is soothing & grounding and she is simply an awesome healer in her own right. I love her!
12) Inspirational music, from rock to Enya
13) lots & lots of books, some about bipolar and depression, some not. Also lots of fun magazines, i.e. People, Elle, Star, the Sun, Mothering, Writer’s Digest, etc. (I’ll post a complete list of the amazing books that have helped me soon – someone please remind me to do this)
14) My free support group for moms with bipolar, affiliated with the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). I started this group over the summer when I was incredibly depressed. I still cannot believe I did that. We have a young mom with bipolar disorder with a Master’s Degree and who is also a Marriage and Family Therapist as our facilitator, which makes the group feel safe. Over the past five mos. we went from 4 members to 10 moms, ranging in age from 30-61, and we meet once a month. It’s wonderful support!
15) Online bipolar support groups such as bipolarworld.org, http://brainzaps.wordpress.com/ and http://theicarusproject.net/
16) Journaling ( my psychiatrist strongly suggested doing that, along with the exercise) which you can even do online at places like bipolarworld.org, where members come and read your journal and offer you wonderful words of encouragement.
17) eating really well & cutting down to only 2 cups of coffee a day, allowing myself some yummy treats too & plenty of water.
18) being outside every day with my kids for a little while, at least
19) Massage and energy healing (i.e. chakra work) with Melissa Stone, the woman/healer/writer/teacher/teacher in Felton who I mentioned in the meditation section. If you are in the Bay Area go see her or take one of her yoga classes that my friend Caterina raves about – visit www.balancestudio.com. You can get Melissa’s DVD’s online. Melissa also just wrote her first book: “The Key to Life Is Balance” and it is getting rave reviews. Melissa was on the same live TV show I was on (“The View from the Bay”) to speak about her healing work. When I was on there it was to speak about my depression and involvement with the now defunct internet group Maya’s Mom. I formed a group called “Anxious, Depressed and Cool Moms” and we grew to over 200 members before it folded when I was hospitalized and I was no longer able to moderate it. ANYWAY…slight tangent there – such is the case when one is slightly hypomanic. I just want to stress that I felt markedly better after just one session with Melissa, in which she worked on my chakras and did a meditation with me along with fabulous massage. I also got a wonderful massage at Massage of Boulder Creek, with Karen Mayer. She was different than Melissa in style but she was also extremely healing.
20) 1-2 glasses of wine a night. I’m digging Pacific Rim’s Sweet Riesling. I LOVE being able to drink again. I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol for 11 months, and I missed it. It relaxes me and I am careful not to drink more than 1 or 2 glasses or else it makes me ill.
21) Nightly baths with with magnesium “salts” (really a kind of liquid gel I got at New Leaf’s health section)…..my contact/guru at the health food store swears that magnesium is powerful, helpful stuff for bipolar
22) L-Carnosine supplements, recommended to me by the same contact Richard G. at the health food store – 500 mg. of L-Carnosine a day has been shown in a clinical study to help folks with bipolar….so far it seems to be helping me too.
23) Gingko supplement, 1x/day for clearer thinking and more positive mood..
Ok, is that enough alternative stuff or what? I love doing all of it. Even the cod liver fish oil with vitamin D (it has lemon in it and doesn’t taste fishy — which is Nordic Naturals’ strength) makes me feel good.
I know most all of this stuff takes money, but it costs far FAR less than what I’ve been paying out of my pocket for my pdoc ($165/30 mins) and my meds (God knows how much to date!) and my 2 hospitalizations last fall (one for $19,000.00, the other for $15,000!) And both hospital experiences were awful beyond words. Not to sound glib, but I almost wish I went to day spa instead!
So, to sum up, after being suicidally depressed & then chronically depressed for the past 11 months, now that I’m hypomanic & thankfully coming down, I’m fighting this disorder with everything I’ve got. I’m going to get a grip on having bipolar disorder, and I’m fierce, at long last.
I have a 1 yr. old and a 3 yr. old little girl depending on me to get my s$%T together!
Thanks for reading this epic, and let me know whatcha think! take care, Dyane
p.s. Hope I don’t offend anyone here. I’m just being honest with my own experience and I don’t suggest my methods to anyone else as being the *only* way to wellness!!! I’d like to reiterate that traditional drugs have *saved my life* so I’m not dissing them 100%. They just didn’t do it for me long-term. If you are reading this and have never been on any of the drugs I listed, then I say….put yourself in my shoes. Please. I will never subject myself to them again unless I am forced to do so by someone else. I don’t plan on that happening. As Holocaust survivors say, “Never again”.
I say….never again.
Please know that I’m in close contact with my two (!) psychiatrists on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.
I am in treatment. I’m just doing it holistically. Herbs are still drugs, in my opinion, and they work.
