I got the rather audacious title of this blog from my hero, the brilliant author/TV show host/chef
Anthony Bourdain, the NY Times bestselling author of “Kitchen Confidential” and star of
the Travel Channel hit show “No Reservations”. I interviewed Tony for a “Good Times” article in 2007, via
email while he was shooting his show in Transylvania. The interview took place just before he came to speak at the Rio Theater at a sold-out event in Santa Cruz. In his latest stunningly beautiful book, “No Reservations: Around the World on an Empty Stomach”, Tony writes the following:
“But if a country sucked and I was downright miserable, I try to show that. If a city like Hong Kong feels to me like I’m living inside a psychedelic pinball machine, I want the episode to look that way. For me, Uzbekistan was a less fun and decidedly less emotional destination than, say, Malaysia. In Uzbekistan, we were surrounded by suspicious secret police, donkeys, giardia, bad food, and a culture of fear and paranoia. In Malaysia, I was coming off a very bittersweet personal experience and the kindness and beauty of the Iban people in Borneo made me feel wistful and deeply moved. The resulting shows reflect those divergent attitudes. Singapore and Iceland are two very different places, and I brought very difference preconceptions and personal history to each of them.
The show—to put it plainly—is proudly bipolar.”
*That* piece of writing, my friends, totally spoke to me and “Proudly Bipolar” became my blog title. I simply love it. 
I know it kind of goes against what we spoke of in my free, local DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) ”Moms with Bipolar” support group about the language of mental illness, i.e. instead of writing “proudly bipolar” I could write Proud Mama with Bipolar”, but I just liked the ring of “Proudly Bipolar” and made a personal exception. I might even design a “Proudly Bipolar” T-shirt. We shall see!
As you begin to read “Proudly Bipolar”, you will get to know me and the tale of what my life has been like over the past year living with my “fresh” bipolar I diagnosis, and about the 36 years preceding up to that day of diagnosis hell at the hospital.
Heres the thing: I am happy to be alive. I came thisclose to taking my own life last December, and joining one of my heroes, the late, great Paul Hester of my favorite band Crowded House. As you may know, it’s very common for musicians to suffer from bipolar illness. Paul had bipolar and he was the father to two adorable little girls. I thought of Paul Hester nonstop the day I woke up after taking my first amitriptyline pill the night before. On “DDay”, as I think of it, I knew that I could not go on living unless I got to a hospital STAT. Thank God I somehow was able to call several Bay Area hospitals while acutely suicidal (my husband watched the kids) and after speaking with a compassionate nurse, I found an empty bed in the mental health unit of a hospital 45 minutes away. As soon as she told me she was saving that bed for me, my frightened husband got our 8 week-old baby, the toddler and our dog in the car, and we jetted out the door.
I remember meeting Paul Hester when I was in New Zealand by myself, backpacking when I was 24 years-old while on vacation from my first full-time job as an office manager. Paul was so nice to me. Based on my interaction with him, I would never think he was mentally ill. Never. He was a gentle man. Paul was a kind and immensely talented drummer, singer and songwriter. He had tens of thousands of fans all over the world who idolized his talent and who adored him after witnessing his bubbly personality at live music performances of Crowded House. When Paul and I briefly met after a show near Auckland, he signed my stamps of the New Zealand Rotorua Mud Pools and he made me laugh. I miss his presence in our world very much, and I think he was looking out for me up in heaven the day I almost committed suicide with a rope, just like he did.
The entry is chilling in its honesty. Beautiful too, because you’re still here. Your writing is so raw and transparent I feel like I’m listening to you from across the table over a cup of tea. Thank you for putting yourself out there in the world. It’s a pleasure, it’s moving, and it’s inspiring.
Hi Dyane!
I thank you for sharing your blog with me. I look forward to reading it on a regular basis too to educate myself on mental illness. How often will you be blogging?
I knew several people with mental illness and feel a need to understand them instead of being scared and hurt. So I just want to thank you again for the privilege. I’ve felt a need to understand mental illness even more so after I heard of Paul Hester’s suicide. I miss him very much too. I’m glad you are alive too! It was truly a joy to meet you at the Tim Finn concert in San Fran.
Helen
Love the title. Though I must say I’m more of the Annoyingly Bipolar crowd. The ‘don’t say hello cause then I might cry’ type. I’m emerging now from a pretty thick bout of down swoop and my new blog is the flip side up swing from that low point. I did a nice nose dive after quitting a job for mental health reasons, not very encouraging, but I was physically hurting myself in a subconscious attempt to get myself out of a bad situation. Luckily I’m aware enough of myself and tendencies to see the signs before I did something permanent. But the drag was the guilt of quitting an income that was crucial to our financial stability. With help from a generous sis in law, 2 months of mentally beating myself up and (luckily) mild suicidal thoughts have now ended and the resultant dramatic joy is manifesting itself in tons of creative energy focused on building a sustainable nurturing home based business. So yeah, I get ya lady! Keep up the good work and keep being aware of yourself!
Tracy