Before I post my latest adventure, here’s a spiel about shame & pride in having bipolar

Hi everyone! It is very interesting to gauge people’s responses when I tell them I have bipolar disorder. I have been telling many people who I encounter that I have it, and I oftentimes hand out our support group flyers too — and it is such a relief for me to “come out”. One of my best friends is gay, and he told me that he finds there are similarities between being gay and having bipolar in terms of the social stigma that is still apparent. I remind myself that many of our world’s greatest minds & talents have lived with bipolar: Van Gogh, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Carrie Fisher (i love her!), Congressman Patrick Kennedy, Patty Duke, and one of my fave musicians: Sinead O’Connor! I found out about some of these people out on a cool site: www.bipolar-lives.com. Plus both my Dad and my Mom, who are amazingly talented, have bipolar one. For my own recovery I feel a compelling need to tell others I have it and then watch their surprise when they say, “wow, I had no idea” or “What is it like”" or “Doesn’t Britney Spears have that too?” I enjoy discussing the subject with them, and then of course I promote our support group, because many times a person will tell me, “My sister-in-law has it” or “I know someone who has it” etc. I remind others that having this illness is *no different* than having diabetes, but because mental illness is still considered to be scary and moreover, it’s invisible, it is very hard to break the stigma. But guess what, my friends? I’m really excited to promote mental health awareness and I think that someday I will work in the field, after the kids are in school. After living around my father with bipolar for almost 40 years, and around my Mom too (who also suffers from borderline personality disorder) and after realizing I have had bipolar one symptoms for over 15 years, I feel a vested interest to bring awareness to our family illness. I am going to stabilize and work on myself, to get better for myself and for my kids’ sake. Some really good news: I am now finding other women who have tried alternative methods to deal with their bipolar disorder, and have had many years of stability (one has been stable for 7 years, the other for almost 13!) I’m feeling so much better these days. My sleep is improving markedly, and my hypomania is subsiding. I continue to take my 10 grams of Omega-3’s, my Holy Basil, my vitamin B’s, my L-Carnosine, my Chinese herbs my acupuncturist gave me and do my bright light therapy. I am seeing a wonderful new therapist who has experience with bipolar disorder, and I’m also seeing Craig’s therapist today with him. (He too has worked with families and bipolar for many years) I even made a “crisis plan” in which if I am slipping and crashing into madness, I will try Geodon (my psychiatrist agreed with me on this) and I will check myself into Dominican BHU or have Craig or a friend drive me. I also am refilling my Zyprexa just in case the mania returns. I am really happy, at long last. Life isn’t easy, we’re dealing with a crisis right now with my Mom, which is why I haven’t been online much….but I pray and have faith in the Lord that he is watching over us. take care & God Bless, & thanks for reading!!! Dyane

Check back here for a riveting story…it starts when I was handcuffed by four (yes, four!) police officers last Wednesday…I’ll be back later this week to share the adventure with you.

Check back soon for a riveting post!

It all begins when I was handcuffed by 4 (yes, 4) policemen last Wednesday afternoon….I’ll be writing about it this week, so stay tuned.  I have a great story to tell!

This is why I do my “Sunbox.com” Bright Light therapy each day….

Take this, you Big Pharma a–holes!  You can’t charge $50 billion a year for bright light therapy, now, can you?  

Bright Light Therapy for Bipolar

January 4th, 2008

A new study finds bright light therapy can ease bipolar depression in some patients.  

 

Researchers from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine’s Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic studied nine women with bipolar disorder to examine the effects of light therapy in the morning or at midday on mood symptoms.

“There are limited effective treatments for the depressive phase of bipolar disorder,” said Dorothy Sit, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry and the study’s first author. “While there are treatments that are effective for mania, the major problem is the depression, which can linger so long that it never really goes away.”

The study is published in the journal Bipolar Disorders.

Women with bipolar depression were given light boxes and instructed on how to use them at home. The women used the light boxes daily for two-week stretches of 15, 30 and 45 minutes. Some patients responded extremely well to the light therapy, and their symptoms of depression disappeared.

The responders to light therapy stayed on the light therapy for an additional three or four months. Four patients received morning light, and five used their light boxes at midday. Participants also continued to take their prescribed medications throughout the study period.

“Three of the women who received morning light initially developed what we call a mixed state, with symptoms of depression and mania that occur all at once – racing thoughts, irritability, sleeplessness, anxiety and low mood,” said Dr. Sit. “But when another group began with midday light therapy, we found a much more stable response.”

Of the nine women treated, six achieved some degree of response, with several reaching full recovery from depressive symptoms. While most attained their best recovery with midday light, a few responded more fully to a final adjustment to morning light.

“People with bipolar disorder are exquisitely sensitive to morning light, so this profound effect of morning treatment leading to mixed states is very informative and forces us to ask more questions,” said Dr. Sit. “Did we introduce light too early and disrupt circadian rhythms and sleep patterns?”

People with bipolar disorder are known to be sensitive to changes in outdoor ambient light and to seasonal changes. Researchers are asking whether the risk of suicide in patients with bipolar disorder could be linked to changes in light exposure.

“In our study, 44 percent of patients were full responders, and 22 percent were partial responders,” Dr. Sit and her colleagues write. “Light therapy, therefore, is an attractive and possibly effective augmentation strategy to improve the likelihood of full-treatment response.”

Optimal response was observed with midday light therapy for 45 or 60 minutes daily, noted Dr. Sit.

Source: University of Pittsburgh Schools of the Health Sciences

Awesome Article “Good Experiences When People Stop Medications”

Hurrah!  Finally….the other side, i.e. not taking certain meds, is represented in About.com

————————————————————————————-

Making the decision to stop medication, if you have bipolar or any other condition, is a decision that should be made in conjunction with your healthcare provider. Reducing a dosage abruptly can cause withdrawal effects that can be unpleasant to dangerous. A good psychiatrist will recognize an over-medicated condition and work with you to lower medication dosages gradually. He or she will also discuss the risks, benefits and dangers of stopping a medication, and supply as much information as possible to help you make the safest, most informed choice.

Members of the About.com Bipolar Disorder Forum tell their positive experiences with stopping the medications used to treat their bipolar disorder.

Please be aware that these responses constitute the personal experiences and opinions of consumers and in no way should be construed as medical advice.

(To read a discussion in its entirety, please follow the link preceding the quote. Quotes may have been edited for spelling, grammar or clarity.)

from Cathy
In my personal opinion, the best years of my life were when I was not on any medications. I had a very good social life and kept myself busy helping other people. That was from 1992 until 1996, and it was the only time in my life that I ever felt normal (whatever that is). I exercised three times a week and took vitamin B complex, and I think that is better than resorting to drugs.

from Ginny
I dumped my meds now for a couple of months. I don’t feel any worse or better. I just decided I had too darn many drugs, and the mix was getting toxic, I’m sure. But I went for almost 35 years, I think, without anything either, so decided what the heck. I have been waiting for a manic episode but none in sight, and actually the depression seems not as bad.

from Jennifer
I quit taking my anti-depressants four months ago, and I have not had a depressive episode yet — it was a regular week out of every month beforehand. My GP (general practitioner) does not support my decision, so I am now forced to seek out a doctor who will not push the lottery method of trying all pills until one works, and instead will understand my pursuit of more holistic and organic methods. I have to try…

from Littlebug
For a few months I was considering quitting my meds altogether. I was sick of being lethargic, dull-witted, and nauseous. I took matters into my own hands and started cutting back on the meds gradually. It has been 3 months and I am now down to 50 mg. Zoloft and 250 mg. Depakote. I talked to my pdoc about it the other day and told her what I am doing and that I feel really good at this dosage. She said to stay with it if it is working! Now that I am not sick from being overmedicated I am o.k. with staying on the current dosage. I am glad that I did not just quit the meds cold-turkey as I was tempted to do 3 months ago.

from Tkarels
Hi, I wanted you to know that there are some out there who have been semi-successful in quitting meds. I’ve been off them for about a year after shifting around for 4 years.

About.com does not recommend reducing or eliminating medications without a doctor’s approval. If you feel your meds are not helping you or are causing you to be in a worse state than with a lower dose or without them, talk to your prescribing doctor first.

Letter to another Mom who took Abilify, like I did…

Dear Abilify Mama,

 

I am sorry you are having problems too.  I know how you feel re: Abilify’s icky side effects!  I took Abilify for 5 mos. It’s interesting that your side effect with Abilify is mania, as mine was severe depression – the lesser-publicized side effect, pehaps.I started at 2.5, went up to 15 mg, then had to go back down to 2.5 because of that awful restless feeling. Even at 2.5 a day I felt like a drugged-out, depressed zombie.  I tapered off Abilify 7 weeks ago, under the guidance of my psychiatrist and with the promise to my him that I would return to a low dose of Lithium.  Well, I decided after I made that promise that I couldn’t take it anymore. I made a huge, dangerous (yes, dangerous decision) to try the alternative route.  It is working for me. I feel 100% better.  The depression is gone. I am grounded and myself again. Friends who have known me for 25 years say the old me is back, but more mature! My Mom said I seemed like myself again.  I met with my psychiatrist today and I asked him if he thought I was manic.  (I certainly was not depressed!) He said, plainly, I don’t know.  He has never had a patient who has been successful in being on alternative medicine. Neither has my other psychiatrist. (Yes, I have 2!) Don’t get me started on that story, LOL!)

Three of my primary psychiatrist’s patients killed themselves last year. I almost was the 4th one to go, because of how I was affected by drugs, specifically, Elavil, an antidepressant that was prescribed to me.  

It is a personal choice…the whole meds thing, although if you have 2 small children and a husband like me, the stakes are much, MUCH higher…and I will probably get flak for writing about my controversial choice here.  I may even get my post deleted like it was at Bipolarworld.org, much to my disappointment.  I’m not saying “Go off your drugs” per se.  I know that can kill too.  However, if you are tired of feeling horrible and you want to know exactly what I have been doing, email me.  I hope I have not offended anyone. I speak from some experience, although God knows I am no M.D. or God for that matter!  Hope this post helps someone. take care and you’ll be in my prayers, Dyane

Up at 2:00 a.m. – Bic Runga’s “Get Some Sleep”

This song is running over and over again in my head.

It really has become a kind of anthem for me, and I plan on asking Bic Runga to let me include the words to her song in my book.

If you get a chance, buy a copy of her brilliant album “Beautiful Collision” from iTunes; that album has “Get Some Sleep” on it. 

Now, I’m off to get some sleep myself.  I got a whopping 9 hours last night, but tonight I have only gotten about 2&1/2 hours so far.  Not good.

Snooze ya later! Dyane

 

“”Get Some Sleep” by Bic Runga

From here to there to everywhere and back to Union Square

When do I get some sleep?

Anywhere the sleep dust lies – it decorates your eyes

When will I get some sleep?

 

Stranded in June, whistling the same old tune

But I do believe I might be having fun

I believe I might be having fun

Impeccably dressed in your second-hand vest, we were waiting for the taxi to come

 

Putting on my daytime eyes

A good-enough disguise, until I get some sleep

Reading out the horoscopes, and using up our jokes

Where do we get some sleep?

 

Stand on the moon, find the light of my living room

Yes I do believe I might be having fun

I believe I might having fun

Tune into the station, make a dedication

This is going out to everyone

This is going out to everyone

 

Something in the phrasing was quietly amazing

We were waiting for the chorus to come

This is going out to everyone

This is going out to everyone

 

From here to there to everywhere and back to Union Square

When do I get some sleep?

Anywhere the sleep dust lies, it decorates your eyes

When will I get some sleep?

 

Stranded in June, whistling the same old tune

But I do believe I might be having fun

I believe I might be having fun

Tune into the station, make a dedication

This is going out to everyone

This is going out to everyone

This is going out to everyone

Going out to everyone

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Bipolar Birthday to Me…

Exactly one year ago, at Dominican Hospital’s Behavioral Health Unit, I was told by their psychiatrist that I had bipolar 1 disorder.

It was a shock, to say the least.

My father has it, and I believe that other people in my immediate family have it as well.  It’s an often genetic disease, and it’s no different than cancer, diabetes, or a broken leg.

I’m so fu*&$ing sick of the social stigma with this illness.  Wake up and smell the bipolar coffee, folks. Recent statistic show that mental illness is incredibly prevalent…I can’t cite the exact stats, but they are plain-old-scary, meaning that mental illness is going to touch a lot of people’s lives in the coming year.  So what can you do?  Educate yourself.  Help eradicate the stigma by coming out and wearing your “Proudly Bipolar!” t-shirt like I plan to do.  Go to support groups to find other people who have worn your shoes and walked the walk of having bipolar.  If you have bipolar, get your loved one support of his/her own. Have your significant otter go to a NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Il) support group; they have ones that meet frequently for the family members of those with bipolar.

My husband is going to one next week.  My psychiatrist Dr. A thinks that’s an “excellent idea”.  Craig and I are also going to go see a marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with people with bipolar and their families.

Living with me has been extraordinarily difficult for Craig – I see that now.

But the good news is that I love him so much and he loves me too.  He’s an amazing, loving father to our kids.  We still have fun together.  We’re going to heal our seven-year-long marriage this year and nothing will get in our way.  We’re going to kick bipolar’s ass together!

If you want more info. on those NAMI support groups, go to:

http://www.nami.org/    

(for anywhere in the country)

http://www.namiscc.org/

for Santa Cruz County

Advice to my Mother from her Cousin, about our rocky, love-filled relationship…

> > From: J.K. 
> > Subject: You and Dyane
> > To: P.
Date: Monday, October 6, 2008, 9:55 AM
Dear P.:
You are not alone. Many Mother-daughter relationships
are difficult and I can’t provide more than some
general thoughts.

1. Your children are your most important asset -
nothing else matters.
2. Do anything to keep a loving relationship with
Dyane and her children.

3. The current situation should not be allowed to
continue.

4. If that means acquiescing to her need (not
necessarily your need) you should consider seeing her
psychotherapist.

5. The S. family genes will see you through this
difficult time!!!

Love, J

Neil Finn and Paul Hester, My Heroes

As some of you who know me well know, one of my favorite musicians is Neil Finn, a New Zealander who is highly acclaimed for his songwriting; he has been compared to John Lennon and Paul McCartney.   Neil was in the band Split Enz and then founded the group Crowded House.  Crowded House’s drummer was Paul Hester, who became one of Neil’s closest friends.  Crowded House became quite successful in its own right, but the group broke up due to internal pressures within the band.  Neil and Paul, however, remained in touch and had a unique bond of friendship that many people would envy.

On March 26, 2005, Paul Hester, gifted musician, father to two girls, a “salt-of-the-earth” man with bipolar disorder, and who was Neil Finn’s best friend, ended his life by hanging himself on a tree in a park in Melbourne, Australia.

Neil Finn, who was far away at the time of Paul’s death, received a phone call telling him that his dear friend had committed suicide.  Neil Finn was devastated beyond words, but being a songwriter he was compelled to write the following song about his encounters with people’s reactions to discussing suicide and the stigma of having mental illness.  It is a stunningly beautiful song called “Nobody Wants To”.  Crowded House re-formed after Paul’s death.  They are currently touring all over the world.  Here are the words to the song that has been in my head the past year.

“Nobody Wants to”

By Neil Finn/Crowded House

Down on the ocean floor

That’s where I’m heading for

Hold on to a sinking stone

Until the worst is known

Nobody wants to…think about it

Nobody wants to…talk about it

Nobody protects you

They make it go away

Pretending that it’s all okay

Broken pieces on the ground

And everyone’s still turning ’round

Nobody wants to…think about it

Nobody wants to…talk about it

Nobody protects you\

Yeah…

Are we losing something, we used to cry

We used to say why?

For all I know

I might not get home

Well, I found out

If we opened it up

We could work this out

Nobody wants to…think about it

Nobody wants to…talk about it, now

What you suspected all along

Everything told you was wrong

                                                              And you can see it if you want

But nobody wants to…

———-

For more information about this remarkably gifted man, check out the following Wikipedia link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Hester

Rest in Peace, Paul. I think about you all time time, and I hope you are up there watching down on your beautiful girls.

A timely letter of support from my friend Dianne

To quote the fabulous Dublin singer/songwriter Luka Bloom:

“You couldn’t have come at a better time!”

—————————————————-

Dyane,

Everybody acknowledges that a well-founded lifestyle has a measure of
stability and peace.  I’m encouraging you here to balance your 
relationships as best you can to ensure a steady flow of healthy 
emotional giving and taking.  Seek out people who are especially 
good for you…people who build you up.  Seek out people that YOU
can influence in wonderful ways.  You have a lot to give!  People and
family are important in our lives….we need input and we need to
feel needed in return.  You can be a great leader yourself.

As you change your diet and learn to use supplements, you’ll want to
bring your family and friends along with you.  It’s a great inspiration
to see others following the same path and supporting you in your
decision to get better.  Your life can be stable and you can feel
secure.  It’s self-affirming to see others following hard after YOU.

Feed yourself good foods and supplements.
Be on the look-out for peaceful companions and peace-giving activities.
Be open for solutions, Dyane.  Solutions WILL come to you.
Be ready, be expectant.  Live in the present moment and enjoy your time
fully, but be ready, because good things are coming your way.  Challenge
yourself to become a better leader, more focused, willing to change,
willing to sacrifice.  

You’re learning how to manage bipolar symptoms for you and for your
loved ones.  It’s important and it’s life changing!

I want you to watch this simple little movie, and develop foresight
for your life.

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=7dFi7&m=1kLNUEhYFn3wwm&b=lhfEO5t3PBgLTf9XwJXY5A

Warmly,

Dianne

My Latest Trigger du Jour

I just wrote this to two people very dear to me…I’m substituting names for people in here because some of them will most likely be reading this and I want to respect their privacy.

 

Dear V & W

I love you both.  

Yesterday, while on V’s computer printing out the flyer for my support group “Moms with Bipolar” that I developed over the summer (see attached flyer and press release I wrote) I discovered the emails exchanged between you over the past couple of days.

The way I see it now is this:  
Yes, I am hypomanic.  
However, as V observed over this past week, I became acutely manic when I was “triggered”.  

A trigger is when something very upsetting happens to the person with bipolar disorder, and results in a severe manic outburst.  The worst triggers I had were the following 2 things:

1) Z wrote me a bizarro email out of the blue that put V down and said he was “stifling and controlling me”. Z also demanded that I give up on trying to get Y in to see a psychiatrist to be diagnosed for her mental illness that I believe her to have. 
(Incidentally, the same day I got Z’s email, I had great news: Y agreed to go see Dr. Fogelson in Santa Monica with me next month.  Dr. Fogelson is a renowned psychiatrist with an incredible reputation for working with people with bipolar. I found him on the DBSA referral website. He trained at Harvard Medical School and is now affiliated with UCLA’s NPI. He got his B.A. from UC Santa Cruz 20 years before I did.)
  
2) V wrote Z and his wife A an email (without knowing that Z had just written me about his being stifling and controlling) which basically stated that as a last resort, he would ***leave me*** if I did not comply with his wish to resume taking the drugs.  Finding this email was the most disturbing trigger for me, and yes, I had a manic outburst after reading it.  I think most wives would not be calm after reading such an alarming email. 

I know it’s hard to be on the other side of this, but perhaps this example will help a little.  The way people are treating me right now is equivalent to people forcing someone with celiac disease to eat lots of gluten-rich foods she should not eat, then watching her get very sick and almost die from ingesting those foods, and then, when she stops eating them and feels markedly better, the people close to her are demanding that she eats those toxic foods again.

Does that make *any* sense?

Yes, I have an illness called bipolar 1 disorder, but it takes time for any medication, alternative or standard, to work for this illness (usually 6-8 weeks for most of the meds) and five weeks is just too soon to tell if the various different alternative things I am doing are effective.

Since I am a grown adult, with a sharp (though admittedly bipolar) mind and an IQ of 156, I am making my own decision about this.

Thank God I can do it.  100 years ago I would have been locked up in a looney bin against my will.

With all due respect to each of you, please understand there is no way I will ever resume taking Zyprexa, Neurontin, Depakote, Paxil, Prozac, lithium, Seroquel, Cymbalta, Abilify, Effexor, Amitriptyline, Ativan, Ambien, lamictal and lamotrgine and Risperdal again. Those are all the drugs I have taken over the past 11 years. NONE, I repeat, NONE of them worked over the long-term in the slightest, and the biggest side effect I had from all of them was severe depression and lethargy and a wish to die every day.  The main reason I did not hang myself or slit my wrists, which is what Elavil ***made** me wish to do, was Avonlea and Marilla.  I didn’t want to leave my husband either.  

While I acknowledge that taking a combination of lithium and Seroquel & being hospitalized at the “Hellhole” in Monterey helped pull me out of being suicidal (which happened, I want to repeat, due to my taking Elavil!) I also want everyone to realize that I was given ***NO*** alternative treatment.  So the hardcore drugs were my only option.  

Again, I love you both, but please try to avoid communicating about me via emails from now on behind my back.  It was yet another trigger for me seeing the emails between you guys yesterday when I discovered them…perhaps you could cc me and keep me in the loop?

Please put yourself in my shoes and think about all I have been through and continue to face every day.  I ***want*** to stick around for our incredible children and for myself and to enjoy life with V…and visit with you all down south as much as possible.  

So take a deep breath, take a moment, if all the stuff I just described happened to you over the past year,would you be so gung-ho to return to the drugs?

Love,
Dyane

Gotta Be Careful Where You Go To Find Support When You Are Mentally Ill and Seeking Alternative Medicine!

I recently gave up posting on one of the “biggie” bipolar disorder internet groups, one that I loved very much. It was where I had a journal that was my sacred outlet for venting, especially since I have been in a hypomanic crisis the past 5 weeks and it was very clear I was going through a crisis, if you read all my journal entries on that site.  I was censored, bullied, and intimidated by the site’s Administrator, who I will refer to as “X” in my blog from now on.

A recent message to me from “X” (a.k.a. Renowned Bipolar Website Administrator)

“removed this post as it is not a journal entry it reads more like a commercial”

X

(Note from Dyane – I just wrote a glowing review of a book I loved….in my f^%$ing  journal, for Cripe’s Sake!  No one forced X to read it)

AND….

“this post was pulled as it was very inappropriate on this board. you seem to want to ‘tell us the truth’ .. tackle everyones problems with your experience yet you admit you have only been diagnosed for a year. it is a bit condescending to everyone on this board that has been and is living wiht bipolar for a very long time… most being older than yourself. (Dyane says ” BULLHONKEY!- I’m 38 and there are tons of people on that board way younger than me!) we understand your ‘credentials’ and your accomplishments.. and you should be proud of them, however it doesnt make anyone elses path and decesions wrong. your telling folks about your experience with a drug and sounding like everyone has been lied to for years and need to wake up. this board is for supporting each other, sharing our personal experiences.. but not coming across as that being the gospel so to say.

im not sure we are the right board for you dyane. what is it you are wanting?
X
—–

That’s just some of what X wrote to me.  Hmmmm, let’s see.  X also wrote this in response to my posting in my journal about my new free DBSA local support group that I created for moms with bipolar:

“it is not ok to promote your bipolar site/group at our site. its wrong. if you want to get your site going please do so by building and working on it, not using our site or any other site that others have worked extremely hard for years to build. as of today if you mention your group in anyway felt as trying to get people to go to your site , you will be asked to leave this board.”

 – (That one left me speechless!) 

Finally, I had asked her if I could post a short one-time announcement in the “writers” forum on the site, asking for submissions from any mother with bipolar who wished to share her story with others in my book “Quest for Rest”….and this is what X wrote in response to my question:

“as for here on the board it isnt something we can do. we offer support for bp’rs that are also moms and my be pregnant and we dont allow advertisments of other sites that are targeting the same area of support. i think i had explained in a previous email that we have worked very hard to build our site and keep it a safe place for everyone here and using peoples stories for your book would be violating peoples trust in us as we retain copyright of all posts on this board ( as a measure of safety for our members ). ”

All I can say in response to that is…..Say What?

I realize this person has major control issues, and needs compassion. But X wrote some other quite nasty things to me that I’m not sharing here…weird stuff that reminded me that it was her mental illness talking, not X, really. Perhaps X’s meds had caused her to be abit wackadoodle…I can only specualte.  But I must add that I got some emails from her which included kind words too. It wasn’t all bad.  But X is not the kind of person who should be given such power to be in charge of such a group of vulnerable souls with mental illness..of that I am sure.  X really triggered me on several levels and did not add to my sense of safety.  So off I scampered to create this blog, where I can be free, be myself, and not have my posts deleted or receive odd, passive-aggressive emails from a stranger who has no idea what I am going through, or where I have been.

The internet.  Like almost anything in this life, sometimes it’s a blessing, sometimes not.

 

 

Here’s the story…of a lovely lady, she’s bipolar, & this is what she did…

Here is more of my story, with lots & lots details about what lifted me out of the suicidal depression.I know it’s freaky, but after going through pure hell since the birth of Marilla I ***finally*** feel better one looooong year later,  and I know that others can feel better too.

This is the post I have shared with the Bipolar Moms group at BabyCenter.com and the bipolar moms at Gather.com, in various forms.  

“I’m Finally Winning the Battle with Bipolar Disorder and Major Clinical Depression!”

Posted originally at www.bipolarworld.org, in the “Journal” section under “Avonlea”

My bipolar disorder was finally diagnosed, at age 37, after I gave birth to Marilla in Santa Cruz.  Both my mother and father have bipolar illness.  After my second daughter was born, I did not sleep for 6 nights.  I had postpartum mania and was hypergraphic (it’s the DSM-IV term for one’s intense need to write nonstop) as well.  

I wrote most of a book in 4 days while my tiny baby slept and while my poor toddler watched Noggin.  It was awful. My eyes hurt so much since I had them open for 6 days straight….My mania turned into depression in November, 2007, which intensified, despite my taking different medications such as the powerful antipsychotic Zyprexa.

When I took Zyprexa, it did help calm down the mania, but within 1 hour of ingesting it I started hearing voices from “The Universe” and from my dead grandmother, who I was very close to while growing up. It was scary, weird and more than a little uplifting too, I must admit, as I loved my Granny very much and I honestly thought it was her speaking to me.  :0 

During my two months of mania,  I was seeing an excellent psychiatrist in Soquel, but he could only do so much for me, as I was a tough case!  After I had a reaction to the antidepressant amitriptyline, a.k.a. Elavil (within just 24 hrs of taking it!) I became acutely suicidal last December.

I took one Elavil pill at night, and then the next morning I woke up wanting to either hang myself with a rope or slit my wrists with our crappy old razor. I just couldn’t believe how bad and crazy I felt. My kids were 5 feet away from me and I didn’t want to leave them. They are the reasons I am still alive.  It was a true miracle I did not take my own life that morning.  I never felt that way before in my life…I mean I had low points, but never such a strong, unnatural-feeling urge to kill myself. It was the drug.  I now know why the FDA put those black boxes warning of suicide risk on antidepressants.  I don’t know why they just focus on the possibility of that happening to kids, teens and young adults, though.  Hell, it happened to me and I was 37.  The main point here?  I would never wish that feeling of utter hopelessness on any human being. 

Sooooo….since I had such a disappointing experience at our local hospital when I was first diagnosed with bipolar I, when I was acutely suicidal I volunteered be hospitalized at Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula (CHOMP).  I’ve been treated by CHOMP’s psychiatrist “Dr. A.” (a.k.a. Dr. Jerry Rhodes Ainsworth) ever since that 2nd hospitalization.  Dr. A admitted me in the ER @ CHOMP, and  although I haven’t seen him often since my hospitalization for both monetary and logistical reasons, he has been very helpful, especially on the phone.  I call him during the day, and if it’s before 2:30 he calls me back that evening. So kind. Like my other psychiatrist in Soquel, Dr. A. is a wonderful person and very kind & responsive to my concerns. I referred him on the DBSA “Find A Pro” website (www.dbsalliance.org/FindAPro) so you can check out his profile and contact info. 

I shared the following exciting details about what is helping me with my former online support group at www.BipolarWorld.org and yes, it’s super-long, but I hope you find it worth the time to read it.

Thanks in advance for reading – I believe in the following with all my heart.  take care, Dyane 

Subject: Holy Basil /Fish Oils/”Deep Sleep” & other alternative meds work to eradictate my severe depression/thoughts of suicide and to bring my hypomania down.

Posted to Bipolarworld.org on Tue Sep 09, 2008

Hi everyone.

After taking lithium for 6 months, and then Abilify after that for 5 months to absolutely no avail (and all the while I was trying out different antidepressants that did not help me i.e. Seroquel, Effexor, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Prozac, Risperdal, Lamictal, just to name a few…) I just couldn’t keep going the way I was going. I had so many extreme side effects that I could barely function with my baby and toddler. Plus, I gained 20 pounds and that was the least of the side effects !!! :0  After 11 months of pure h%$l,  I realized, with extreme fear and reluctance, that I needed to try a different path to recovery.

While I must stress that alternative medicines (i.e. St. John’s Wort) have never helped my depression in the¨past, the alternative route is working for me now, dramatically. Because of that, I have been inspired me to post about it here in the “Elevated, “Depressed” & “Alternative Therapies” sections at www.BipolarWorld.org.

The following lengthy list describes what I’m now taking¨and I’m doing. 

***ALL*** of these things are helping me in a profound way,especially taking the Holy Basil & doing the midday  bright light therapy, and ingesting the high dose of fish oils, doing acupuncture and downing an herbal deep sleep blend every evening. Oh heck, every single one of the things you are about to read is helping me bigtime.

Most importantly, I am now getting my sleep, which is critical to my recovery/stabilization and it’s improving dramatically each night. I went from 1 hour of sleep over one week to 4 hours of sleep  to 6 hours of sleep to 7-8 hrs. of good sleep and I’m stoked! I’m feeling really grounded and good. My thoughts are no longer racing as they were last week and over the weekend. Ok, so here’s the scoop:

1) New Chapter or Gaia Herbs Holy Basil: 300 mg/ 2x a day; I found out from my health consultant (who is brilliant, has a cult following and gives free advice) at our local health food store that I can take more of it as needed, i.e. 5-8  times a day! I don’t find I need to do that unless I am having triggers going on in my life.

2) Rainbow Light (made right here in Santa Cruz)  Women’s Multivitamin (bought specifically because there’s a B complex in there,which is supposed to help us folks with bp, I believe.)

3) Nordic Naturals’ (excellent local company) Ultimate Omega 3’s and Cod Liver Oil with vitamin D (one tsp/day).  10 grams of the Omega 3’s a day, yes,10 grams – and my psychiatrist Dr. A was even ok with my megadosing with omega-3’s. If you are skeptical, please look at my post in the “Alternative” section @ bipolarworld.org about Omega-3’s and Bipolar, & read Dr. Stoll’s excellent book “The Omega Connection” in which there’s a chapter about high doses of the fish oils helping people with bipolar disorder.

4) An herbal sleep med. The specific stuff I take (“Deep Sleep” by Herbs Etc.) truly helps and it was recommended to me by Alison Brooks,MFT, the leader of my “Moms with Bipolar” support group  (if you wish to join the Yahoo version of our moms with bipolar group, just comment with your email address here, and I’ll send you an invite. Aside from 10 moms in the online group, we also have 2 psychiatrists and 2 therapists who specialize in postpartum mood disorders in the group too – it’s pretty cool! )

5) Organic essential oils used at bedtime. (lavender in a special blend) and orange oil during the day, which helps with depression. I worked at a holistic school called College of the Botanical Healing Arts here in Santa Cruz (www.COBHA.org) that certifies essential oil practitioners. The practitioners took numerous classes, did clinical work, and studied 300+ hours to get their certification.  Essential oils truly help any kind of healing regime, really!  There have been clinical studies to prove it. England and Australia are far more advanced in this field than we are.

6) I’m using my therapeutic bright light (www.sunbox.com, mine cost $250 and I’m using it right now as I type this) to do 1/2 an hour of light therapy each day, at midday.  (It really needs to be midday, otherwise one’s symptoms -can- get worse, i.e. mania or mixed state) A January 2008 study was published in which women with bipolar had their symptoms improve dramatically if they did light therapy at midday.  You can do a search online for the link – it only takes 2 minutes to read the study results.

7) I have a phone counseling appointment with my therapist tomorrow, Allison Gilbert. (check out her inspiring site www.mothershaveneeds.com and workshop leader)  With 2 kids, the phone is the way to go. She offers me a sliding scale fee, since we are so low on funds these days. It’s well worth the $. She believes in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, which has been found to help with both depression and bipolar

I’m getting an extensive acupuncture treatment done specifically for my bipolar next Tuesday with local Five Branches teacher Sally Sherriff, who lived in Japan for 8 years (see her website at wee.bluelotusmedicine.com) & she will be giving me “cupping” too (!!??not sure what that is yet ) and Chinese herbs.

9) Yoga at Scotts Valley Fitness

10) Cardio exercise at the gym too, elliptical trainer, 30-40 minutes of steady cardio work (I was an American Council on Exercise certified personal trainer and circuit instructor for several years, so I love exercise)

11) Meditation…just for 5-10 minutes. I use Melissa Stone’s meditation DVD (www.groovygoddess.com) and her meditation section is only 7 minutes and focuses on the chakras.  It is soothing & grounding and she is simply an awesome healer in her own right.  I love her!

12) Inspirational music, from rock to Enya

13) lots & lots of books, some about bipolar and depression, some not.  Also lots of fun magazines, i.e. People, Elle, Star, the Sun, Mothering, Writer’s Digest, etc.  (I’ll post a complete list of the amazing books that have helped me soon – someone please remind me to do this)

14) My free support group for moms with bipolar, affiliated with the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). I started this group over the summer when I was incredibly depressed.  I still cannot believe I did that. We have a young mom with bipolar disorder with a Master’s Degree and who is also a Marriage and Family Therapist as our facilitator, which makes the group feel safe. Over the past five mos. we went from 4 members to 10 moms, ranging in age from 30-61, and we meet once a month.  It’s wonderful support!

15) Online bipolar support groups such as bipolarworld.org, http://brainzaps.wordpress.com/ and http://theicarusproject.net/

16) Journaling ( my psychiatrist strongly suggested doing that, along with the exercise) which you can even do online at places like bipolarworld.org, where members come and read your journal and offer you wonderful words of encouragement.

17) eating really well & cutting down to only 2 cups of coffee a day, allowing myself some yummy treats too & plenty of water.

18) being outside every day with my kids for a little while, at least

19) Massage and energy healing (i.e. chakra work) with Melissa Stone, the woman/healer/writer/teacher/teacher in Felton who I mentioned in the meditation section. If you are in the Bay Area go see her or take one of her yoga classes that my friend Caterina raves about – visit www.balancestudio.com.  You can get Melissa’s DVD’s online. Melissa  also just wrote her first book: “The Key to Life Is Balance” and it is getting rave reviews. Melissa was on the same live TV show I was on (“The View from the Bay”) to speak about her healing work. When I was on there it was to speak about my depression and involvement with the now defunct internet group Maya’s Mom.  I formed a group called “Anxious, Depressed and Cool Moms” and we grew to over 200 members before it folded when I was hospitalized and I was no longer able to moderate it.  ANYWAY…slight tangent there – such is the case when one is slightly hypomanic. I just want to stress that I felt markedly better after just one session with Melissa, in which she worked on my chakras and did a meditation with me along with fabulous massage.  I also got a wonderful massage at Massage of Boulder Creek, with Karen Mayer.  She was different than Melissa in style but she was also extremely healing.  

20) 1-2 glasses of wine a night. I’m digging Pacific Rim’s Sweet Riesling. I LOVE being able to drink again. I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol for 11 months, and I missed it.  It relaxes me and I am careful not to drink more than 1 or 2 glasses or else it makes me ill.

21) Nightly baths with with magnesium “salts” (really a kind of liquid gel I got at New Leaf’s health section)…..my contact/guru at the health food store swears that magnesium is powerful, helpful stuff for bipolar

22) L-Carnosine supplements, recommended to me by the same contact Richard G.  at the health food store – 500 mg. of L-Carnosine a day has been shown in a clinical study to help folks with bipolar….so far it seems to be helping me too.

23) Gingko supplement, 1x/day for clearer thinking and more positive mood..

Ok, is that enough alternative stuff or what?  I love doing all of it.  Even the cod liver fish oil with vitamin D (it has lemon in it and doesn’t taste fishy — which is Nordic Naturals’ strength) makes me feel good.

I know most all of this stuff takes money, but it costs far FAR less than what I’ve been paying out of my pocket for my pdoc ($165/30 mins) and my meds (God knows how much to date!) and my 2 hospitalizations last fall (one for $19,000.00, the other for $15,000!) And both hospital experiences were awful beyond words. Not to sound glib, but I almost wish I went to day spa instead!

So, to sum up, after being suicidally depressed & then chronically depressed for the past 11 months, now that I’m hypomanic & thankfully coming down, I’m fighting this disorder with everything I’ve got. I’m going to get a grip on having bipolar disorder, and I’m fierce, at long last.

I have a 1 yr. old and a 3 yr. old little girl depending on me to get my s$%T together!

Thanks for reading this epic, and let me know whatcha think! take care, Dyane

p.s. Hope I don’t offend anyone here. I’m just being honest with my own experience and I don’t suggest my methods to anyone else as being the *only* way to wellness!!! I’d like to reiterate that traditional drugs have *saved my life* so I’m not dissing them 100%.  They just didn’t do it for me long-term.  If you are reading this and have never been on any of the drugs I listed, then I say….put yourself in my shoes.  Please.   I will never subject myself to them again unless I am forced to do so by someone else. I don’t plan on that happening. As Holocaust survivors say, “Never again”.  

I say….never again.

Please know that I’m in close contact with my two (!) psychiatrists on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.

I am in treatment. I’m just doing it holistically.  Herbs are still drugs, in my opinion, and they work.

take care,

Dyane

Hello world! Thank you, Universe.

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy to be here to begin the Blogventure.

I had a false start last year (i.e. my former blog “Chainbreaking Mom”) but I have picked up the pieces of my life and have begun anew, on this day of Yom Kippur, the Jewish holy day of atonement. (I was born Jewish, on March 18, 1970.)

On this day I atone for my sins. (Boy, did I rack up a lot this past year, especially when I was manic!

I am grateful to be alive. And now, this is going to sound like one of the drawn-out Academy Award-winning speeches, but I really need to write all this stuff down.  I’ll be stoked if you enjoy reading it.

Here goes.  Deep breath.

Thank you God, for my two daughters, for my husband, for my family, friends, pets and even for my “enemies”, who are my Teachers, when it all comes down to it.  

Thank you for Maggie Muir’s “Postpartum Anxiety and Depression” support group at Sutter Santa Cruz Maternity Hospital.

Thank you for music: Neil and Tim Finn, Toni Childs, Howard Jones, Thomas Dolby, Roxy Music, Liam Finn, Bic Runga, Dave Dobbyn, Edie Brickell, Luka Bloom, Glen Hansard and Marekta Irglovea and the Frames, Crowded House, Split Enz, Squeeze, Glen Tillbrook, Elton John, The Beatles, Wings, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Aimee Mann, Michael Penn, Shawn Colvin, Minnie Driver, Hothouse Flowers, Seal, Annie Lennox, Shushybye DreamTime Band, Coldplay, Vance Gilbert, Prince, Duran Duran, Rick Springfield, James Taylor, Freesia Raine, Jesse Autumn, all the great classical composers….and believe it or not, the list still goes on and on.

Thank you for books.  Thank you especially for Dr. Alice W. Flaherty’s book “The Midnight Disease”, for Sally Brampton’s book “Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression”, for “Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven Stage Journey Out of Depression” by James S. Gordon, M.D., for “Depression-Free for Life: A Physician’s All-Natural 5-Step Plan” by Dr. Gabriel Cousens, Pec Indman’s “Beyond the Blues”, Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison’s “An Unquiet Mind”, Dr. Martha Manning’s “Undercurrents”, Adrienne Martini’s “Hillbilly Gothic: A Memoir of Madness and Motherhood”, Julie Fast’s book “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder”, Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao”, anything by Oprah Winfrey, Paul E. Jones’ book “The Up and Down Life”, “Listen Up” co-authored by my friend Eunice LeMay, Melody Hope’s “In My Head: Living My Life with Bipolar” and for all of Anthony Bourdain’s books about food.

Thank you for the Felton Library and Branch Librarians.

Thank you to my Suburu Outback, the Silver Dolphin.

Thank you to the Internet and to my MacBook.

Thank you for L.M. Montgomery’s “Anne of Green Gables” and “Emily of New Moon”.

Thank you for Madeleine L’Engle’s “A Wrinke In Time”,”Two Part Invention” and “A Live Coal in the Sea”.

Thank you for SARK’s 15 (many of them bestselling) books, especially ”Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper: Gifting the World with Your Words and Stories and Finding the Time and Energy to Actually Do It”.

Thank you for Sylvia Browne and Doreen Virtue and Cynthia Lester; all of them are gifted mediums.

Thank you to Noggin and the Disney Channel and BabyFirst Channel.

Thank you to Gerwurtztraminer and Riesling, especially the ones by Pacific Rim.

Thank you to all kinds of yummy food and drinks.  Thanks to candles and essential oils & girly makeup & soaps.

Thank you for Anthony Bourdain (sigh…), Ghost Hunters, Top Chef, Project Runway, the Food Network, the Travel & Discovery and History Channels.

Thank you for Freesia Raine (freesiaraine.com) and her Kreative Kids Preschool in Ben Lomond, CA.

Thank you for Dagoba organic chocolate and New Chapter and Gaia Herbs Holy Basil and Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega and my Sunbox bright light. (www.sunbox.com)

Thank you for allowing my writing to be published in “Good Times”,  ”Central Coast Parent Magazine”, “Growing Up in Santa Cruz”,  the Scotts Valley/San Lorenzo Valley Press, “Fit” magazine and Friends of Santa Cruz State Parks’ Park Views newsletter.

Thank you for giving me the strength to finally write my dream book:”Quest for Rest: My Surprising Struggle with Postpartum Mania, Hypergraphia, and Bipolar Disorder”.

Thank you for “Elle” and “People” magazines!  I love that trash! 

Thank you for my friend Alison Brooks, MFT Intern, M.A., fellow proud mama with bipolar, and fearless, extraordinary facilitator of our free DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) support group “Moms with Bipolar Disorder”.

Thank you to the 8 other moms to date in the “Moms with Bipolar Disorder” support group. God bless you.

Thank you to the Jews and the Christians and to the Buddhists.  It’s all good.

Thank you for my psychiatrists, Dr. A. and Dr. A. and Dr. C. You all, in essence, saved my life and you rock!

Thank you for my amazing therapist Allison Gilbert, creator of mothershaveneedstoo.com and teacher of the “Mothers Have Needs Too” workshop that I took.

Thank you for the ocean and the redwoods.

Thank you for dolphins and Skull Rock and for Alice Cooper.  What a freak he is!

Thank you for the 3 non-profits I worked at over the years: Friends of Santa Cruz State Parks, Friends of the Santa Cruz Public Libraries, and the College of Botanical Healing Arts.

Thank you for Bipolarworld.org.

Thank you, Universe, for protecting me last December when I came so close to ending my life after taking Elavil, also known as amitriptyline, a tricyclic antidepressant.  My suicidal drug reaction happened after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in October, 2007 at Dominican Hospital’s Behavioral Health Unit.  My diagnosis and first hospitalization for mental illness in my life took place when my daughter Marilla was only about six weeks old and my other daughter Avonlea was three.

Thank you, Nettie and Emilio.  You know who you are.

And thank you, dear reader, for reading this.  Boy, do I have a lot to write!

The adventure begins now.